Subscribe | UPI Odd Newsletter Subscribe HOLLYWOOD, Sept. 23 (UPI) -- Hundreds of awards distributed on a single TV show! That's what the TV industry thrust upon a stupefied audience Sunday night in an endless parade of mostly nonentities to the stage of Los Angeles' Shrine Auditorium. Advertisement It was a soporific TV version of the old dance marathons of the '30s that put audiences to sleep long before TV became the opiate of the masses. By comparison, the movies' Academy Awards distribute only 24 Oscars a year, and even that small number grows tedious after 2 hours of people picking up gold-plated hardware. No wonder the Oscar show draws an estimated billion viewers worldwide while the Emmys are of little interest aside from families of the winners. Shame on you, Anna Nicole Smith! You are the only highly publicized, glitzy blonde in Tinseltown who failed to win an Emmy this year. For that matter, you are the only such who didn't win a nomination. Are you an al Qaida pin-up girl or what? Advertisement Maybe your show was too late to qualify. The lengthy parade of TV people assaulting the stage and microphones was overwhelming, beginning with Harvard graduate Conan O'Brien as emcee. O'Brien, a thoroughly likable man and former Emmy winner himself, seemed somewhat apologetic, like a character witness for Yasser Arafat, peering into the wings uneasily. Believe it or not, there were 18 (EIGHTEEN) performers who won Emmys for acting on TV during the year. Eighteen. They competed in groups of five nominees in 18 different categories. C'mon; an actor's an actor, funny or not. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure five times 18 equals 90 nominees, all of whom, presumably, were in attendance, leaving the Shrine filled with 72 broken-hearted not-so-funny losers. The categories included: Best comedy series actor -- won by Ray Romano Best comedy series actress -- Jennifer Aniston Best drama series actor -- Michael Chiklis Best drama series actress -- Allison Janney Best miniseries actor -- Albert Finney Best miniseries actress -- Laura Linney Recognize all those names? So it went, including best performances in supporting roles in comedy, drama, miniseries, movie and variety or musical program. Advertisement Aside from sitcoms, drama, film and mini-series there were five categories for GUEST performers in comedy, drama and -- believe it or not -- voice-over: won by Pamela Segall Dixon in "King of the Hill." Bring tears to your eyes or what? The tension before Dixon's name was revealed approached identifying the winner of the first "Survival" series. Largest mob to swarm the podium consisted of 28 winners for technical direction/camera work/video, mini-series, movie or special. Their show? "Britney Spears Live From Las Vegas" on HBO. Imagine the tension in the Shrine for that mass Emmy eruption. It meant simply another 28 mantle pieces in 28 Southern California homes will boast Emmys. Their owners are thrilled with the ornate statuette, a goddess-like damsel holding a golden replica of the planet in her outstretched arms. Do you feel your eyes clouding up for this not-so-rare trophy representing excellence? They aren't that rare. One shudders to think how many of these glittering memorials have been bestowed on so many artists, creative minds, hams and noble toilers in the field of television. Among the most honored TV shows of the year was "Band of Brothers," on TV only because it was too long for a single motion picture. Advertisement The moving forces behind "Band of Brothers" were two movie guys: Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks. No TV schlockmeisters, they. "Band of Brothers" won Emmys for best miniseries and best directing (including Hanks and seven others). This, the 54th annual Emmy Awards Show verified the supposition that TV is indeed the principal source of entertainment for most Americans. And why does it outstrip in attendance movies, the theater, and, yes all sports competitions combined? Because it's free, and right there in your house! Additionally there is a common denominator that binds viewers to writers, directors and especially stars with the ancient cliché: "There but for the grace of God go I." No? Take a gander at bald, squat Michael Chiklis and Jennifer Aniston looking shapeless in spangled gown with multicolored hair almost obscuring her face. They could be replicas of millions of men and women who tuned in to watch the tedious parade of people who looked very little different from viewers. That can be comforting to just plain folks who never win an award for anything. We, the great unwashed, can't make such connections with movie stars Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman. Advertisement Biggest celebrity in attendance at the Shrine Auditorium Sunday night didn't win an award. He was Brad Pitt, a movie star who happens to be the husband of Emmy-winner Aniston. Clearly, he was a bigger prize than the Emmy.
