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April 17 (UPI) -- Jonah Hill's sister, Beanie Feldstein, says her grief has been an "impossible" experience since their brother Jordan's death. The 25-year-old actress shared her new perspective on life in "Grief Glasses," an essay for InStyle she posted Tuesday on Instagram, after Jordan Feldstein died at age 40 in December 2017.
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"It is impossible. Grief is just impossible. It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed," she wrote. "To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus."
Feldstein remembered Jordan, Maroon 5's longtime manager, as a "remarkably generous, intelligent, loving" father, son and brother. She said his death has taught her "an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth" of her own heart.
"The pain is so unbearable at times, so unremitting. Yet, in addition to the deluge of feelings leaking out of me at all times, I have found the process of grief (because it is and will always be a process, never finished, never concluded), to be just as resonant in my mind as it is in my heart," the actress wrote.
The Lady Bird actress likened grief to a pair of glasses giving her a new understanding in life.
"Not only does the world become so much deeper and more painful, but sometimes unbelievably alive with joy and gratitude. And those two previously opposing concepts are now merged, now barely indistinguishable," Feldstein wrote.
"There is a whole new layer of my own personhood, but also a broadened humanity, that I could not see before," she said. "These glasses that were forced on me, grudgingly gave me the ability to see and appreciate a more intricate understanding of this vast world we live in."
Feldstein said she's found a connection with others who have also experienced grief.
"A year ago, I found myself unwillingly in a new club. Well, new to me. A club that has existed for all eternity. A club that I wish did not exist," the actress wrote.
"It's a club of suffering and questioning, but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience," she said. "And while I wish I could rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream, I try to recognize what the glasses have given me: that unique blend of humanity that is simultaneously the darkest dark and the brightest bright."
Jordan died of a pulmonary embolism at his home in Los Angeles. Feldstein shared a throwback photo of Jordan holding her as a baby on what would have been the music manager's 41st birthday in December.
"happy birthday, jord," she wrote.
Feldstein has appeared in Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising and Lady Bird. She will appear in the new movie Booksmart, which opens in theaters May 24.
