Commentary: Joe Bob's Week in review

Two WorldCom executives, Scott D. Sullivan and David F. Myers, were the corporate-fraud poster boys of the week, as they were paraded around Lower Manhattan in handcuffs, charged with a $3.8 billion accounting fraud. A billion dollars is just not what it used to be.

President Bush signed a corporate-fraud bill that he called "the most far-reaching reforms of American business practices since the time of Franklin Delano Roosevelt," thereby using up his entire four-year quota of speech references to Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Carolyn Condit, wife of Gary, told Esquire magazine that the lame-duck congressman never had sex with Chandra Levy. In other news, the magazine revealed that Nicole Brown Simpson died of natural causes.

In London a three-judge panel ruled that nine foreigners detained after Sept. 11 were victims of a policy that was "discriminatory, disproportionate and unlawful." The court said that no public emergency entitles the government to take measures against foreigners that it would not take against its own citizens. That wacky British legal system -- let's hope they never export it to another country.

Billionaire Sumner Redstone, chairman of Viacom, divorced his wife Phyllis after 55 years of marriage. They were young and stupid.

Juan Diego became an official Catholic saint during the visit of Pope John Paul II to Mexico, but not before the Archdiocese of Mexico City gave the Indian peasant a makeover, softening his facial features, lightening his skin, lengthening his hair, and giving him a beard.

Enraged fans threw Britney Spears souvenirs at the singer and jeered her with shouts of "Fraud! Fraud!" after she sang just four songs on the final night of her world tour in Mexico City. "I'm sorry, Mexico," she said. "I love you. Bye." She later claimed she was scared off by a thunderstorm that was approaching Foro Sol Stadium. Obviously, if a lightning bolt hit one of those electronic devices on her body, she could end up with the image of Juan Diego imprinted on her midriff.

Alec Baldwin and Ellen DeGeneres were signed for the new season of "Hollywood Squares," indicating just how disoriented you can become after getting dumped.

The nine men rescued after spending 80 hours trapped in an underground mine in Quecreek, Pennsylvania, were admitted to the Conemaugh Medical Center in Johnstown and released after treatment for minor injuries. By week's end, however, four of the men were readmitted to the hospital after complaining of symptoms consistent with prolonged exposure to the media.

The Who launched its U.S. tour, refining its 1960s teen angst with a more mature outlook, reflected in its new billing as The Whom.

The last peep show on New York's 42nd Street, Peep-O-Rama, was closed. Disappointed peepers were referred to Eighth Avenue, site of a peep preservation effort.

Hollywood animal trainer Frank Inn was buried with the cremated remains of motion picture star Benji the dog, "Green Acres" star Arnold the pig, and Tramp, the dog on "My Three Sons." Let's hope none of his offended B-list clients dig him up.

James A. Traficant Jr., the defrocked congressman, will be required to give up his famous toupee as he is checked into federal prison to begin an eight-year sentence for corruption. The rug was discovered during a routine search by the Summit County Jail in Ohio, and now Traficant is subject to additional perjury charges for his recent sworn statement to Congress that he cuts his hair with a Weed Whacker. All you need for Astroturf is a little foam.

Michael Jackson is $200 million in debt, and remarkably only $25,000 of it is dermatology bills.

Comedian Martin Lawrence didn't think interview questions by Fox News reporter Bill McCuddy were funny, so he called him a "----head" and seized his videotape. Lawrence was being interviewed during a Paramount Pictures promotional blitz for his new film "Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat," but Paramount officials refused to give McCuddy his tape back -- even though Lawrence chose not to answer McCuddy's questions about two incidents, in 1996 and 1999, when Lawrence waved a gun at a Los Angeles intersection and fell into a coma while jogging in the summer heat. (Both incidents are things Lawrence talks about in the movie.) Lawrence was last seen waving the videotape at overheated joggers.

Scenes from American domestic life:

Four wives of soldiers at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, were killed by their husbands, and one soldier was killed by his wife, all within a six-week period, with two of the soldiers then committing suicide and the other three alleged murderers looking at long prison terms. The Army was quick to say that there was no connection between any of the couples, all of whom seemed to adore Army housing.

Gloria Rodriguez of the Bronx asked her husband William Rodriguez for a divorce, but he was a Jehovah's Witness and didn't believe in divorce, so she hired Hector Rodriguez (no relation) to kill William Rodriguez for $1,000, with a promise to give him $3,000 more later. One Rodriguez ended up dead, and two Rodriguezes ended up serving 20 to life. But there's more: the getaway car was driven by ... Robert Rodriguez (no relation and no relation). He got a mere nine months in jail, presumably to ensure the continuance of the Rodriguez bloodline.

William M. Cronan Jr. of Clifton, Va. approached his wife Sigrid as she sat at a computer in their home, shot her twice in the back of the head, put the gun down on a chair next to his wife, dialed 911, told the operator he'd killed his wife, waited for police, and pled guilty. How many times did he have to tell her to ALWAYS reboot after downloading?

(Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)