Subscribe | UPI Odd Newsletter Subscribe HOLLYWOOD, July 18 (UPI) -- You know it's summer when theater marquees and television logs offer more mediocrities than usual. The trend began after World War II when movie theaters became havens from the oppressive heat of summer. Advertisement Popcorn palaces were the only air-conditioned buildings available. During the sweltering months of July and August it mattered little what was playing on screen or who the stars were as long as they provided surcease from the merciless heat. Filmmakers were convinced audiences would sit through anything to snooze in air-conditioned comfort for a couple of hours before returning to their lives. Today everywhere, everything from automobiles to out-houses are air-conditioned, but Hollywood remains dedicated to the notion that summer film offerings will continue to beckon the sweltering masses no matter what. That explains why this month and next will find such rubbish as "Eight Legged Freaks," "Reign of Fire," "Men in Black II," "The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course," "Halloween: Resurrection," "Like Mike" and "Hey Arnold: The Movie" ... all masquerading as entertainment. Advertisement True, also showing are "Road to Perdition" and "Minority Report" with a couple of real movie stars: Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise. Perhaps one day Hollywood will get the message that America's teeming, steaming masses no longer will pay $10 bucks for movie air-conditioning when it costs less to flip on household cooling. Conversely, if cooler heads prevail at home, what good will it do when citizens turn on their TV sets to escape record-breaking heat waves. Summer TV prime time is a dumping ground for the previous fall's failed comedy, drama and reality-based series, to say nothing of mediocre TV movies. How, for instance, can NBC justify slotting "Spy TV" in prime time? "Spy TV" is a knock-off of the old "Candid Camera" series masterminded by Allen Funt who got his jollies clandestinely filming unsuspecting citizens in embarrassing situations. Funt loved to sneak up on innocent individuals whose curiosity leads them into humiliating circumstances revealing their stupidity, cupidity and imbecility while his hidden cameras and microphones revealed to the world their worst nightmares. "Spy TV" goes Funt one better; it also scares the hell out of the participants or dupes with relentless duplicity. Advertisement Take this week's episode wherein "Spy TV" introduces a married couple at dinner with their teenage son, a handsome kid and apparently not a rocket scientist. Also at the table is a sub-adolescent girl viewers suppose is the boy's young and innocent sister. Into this family scene in a middle-class restaurant marches a very pregnant female of unknown years, a member of the "Spy TV" team posing as the boy's lover. The teenager tells his shocked parents that the new arrival is a sort of one-night stand he has impregnated and says he wants to do the right thing by her. The spy cameras, presumably hidden from the thunderstruck parents, focus on their disbelieving faces. Here is their dumb offspring admitting he has knocked-up, so to speak, this young woman they have never seen or heard of before in their lives. "The apoplectic mother appears to be near cardiac arrest: her beloved son has ruined his life and that of his family by revealing this dreadful calamity. The nonplused father retains his sanity and opines that he's expected this sort of catastrophe since junior was 16. Their boy makes matters worse by explaining his relationship with the girl is not true love, but more or less a slap and tickle experience of sexual urgency that could not be denied. Advertisement Now mama is in tears, father is bewildered and the pregnant young woman is somewhat bemused by the crisis she has created, patting her padded abdomen with obvious pride. Father cautions son that he has no money, no house and no brains as his son explains he and his pregnant companion are trying to get to know each other better. This obnoxious revelation leads the crying mother to leave the table with the little girl (still presumably her daughter) to go to the lady's room to escape goggling nearby diners. All this, of course, is supposed to be hilarious to home viewers when, in fact, it's appalling to see these unfortunate, dumbfounded parents going through hell. Father, son and mother-to-be discuss the options and attempt to reorganize their thinking about this revolting development. The young woman says she is eight months preggers, although she looks as if the baby may be delivered before the end of the show. The mother, somewhat revived, returns to the table, dragging her daughter along, fixing the intruder with a homicidal glare. At last the interloper raises her dress to reveal a hugely padded pillow and announcing it is all a gag for "Spy TV." Advertisement Mother wails, "Thank God" and embraces the young woman. Now maybe "Eight Legged Freaks" doesn't look so bad after all.
