Commentary: Joe Bob's Week in Review

NEW YORK, July 5 (UPI) -- A 1,900 percent rise in the tax on cigarettes took effect in New York City, making smokes cost up to $8 a pack and causing New Yorkers to cease to be smug about fanatical Californians. There was temporary gridlock at JFK Airport as every European in the city attempted to flee.

Amalgamated Tubing, a publicly-traded corporation in Altoona, Pennsylvania, turned in a completely accurate report of profits, expenses and accounting practices for the past five years, throwing Wall Street into confusion.

Carolyn Condit, wife of Congressman Gary Condit, claimed in a Fresno, California, courtroom that the National Enquirer is not a newspaper. The Enquirer wants her $10 million libel suit thrown out because she never asked for a retraction before suing for an article saying she attacked Chandra Levy. State law gives newspapers a chance to correct mistakes by printing corrections and retractions before suits can be filed. But the Enquirer is not a "newspaper," her lawyers claimed. The Enquirer responded that she is not a "wife."

Wal-Mart adopted a new policy on gun sales, refusing to sell to anyone whose background can't be checked because of computer glitches or missing records. The burglar can just wait.

Shares in Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia have dropped 39 percent since Stewart's name was first connected to the ImClone investigation a month ago and she became a one-name tabloid favorite. It's not exactly clear how place mat and comforter sales are related to charges that she may be guilty of insider trading, but she doesn't appear to be too worried: she's still taking a $900,000 salary and a $300,000 annual bonus. This week she did fail to show up for her icebox pie segment on CBS' "The Early Show" after the network told her they were going to grill her instead of watching her grill. Responsible consumers who had pre-chilled their filling were livid.

Arthur "Spud" Melin, co-founder of Wham-O, the toy company that made million on the Frisbee and Hula Hoop, died after an overdose of molded plastic.

House Resolution 256 was introduced before the Kentucky legislature, encouraging "the purchase of a submarine to patrol the waters of the Commonwealth and search and destroy all casino riverboats." Those Indiana slots paybacks are looooooooooow.

Jim Barbe of Salem Township, Pennsylvania, faces two years in jail and a $5,000 fine for talking too long at a town council meeting. Barbe spoke for 11 minutes at a meeting of supervisors where speakers are limited to five minutes each. The official charge is disrupting a public meeting and defiant trespass. "I did say I was just about done," said the 60-year-old Barbe. Apparently the simple words "sit down and shut up" are unknown to the town's leadership.

Englishmen around the world are celebrating the 100th anniversary of Marmite, the brown vegetable extract they like to slather on toast and mix with cheese and beans to gross out the rest of the world. It was invented in 1902 in Burton-on-Trent at an abandoned malt house, using spent yeast from the Bass Pale Ale factory. The ingredients include yeast, vegetable extracts, salt niacin, spices, folic acid, and vitamins B1, B2 and B12, and it creates a distinctive Godzilla-breath that has been known to induce vomiting in the strongest of men. No one except a Brit has ever been able to stomach it, probably because it's used to wean English babies and the taste has to be acquired before the age of 3. To celebrate the centennial, Brits will lick it out of the jar and participate in kissing contests. Last man standing wins.

Two crack-cocaine addicts stole a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck from a parking lot in Slidell, Louisiana, but were apprehended when police followed a 15-mile-long trail of donuts caused by leaving the back door open. After being jailed, the suspects requested 40 gallons of black coffee.

Cynthia Fern Izon was jailed in Claremore, Oklahoma, on charges of embezzling $50,000 from the Tulsa Akdar Shriners group and $100,000 from the Barbie Doll Club of Eastern Oklahoma. The club had hosted the international Barbie convention in Tulsa in 2000, and it seems there was a little extra in the Barbie cash register. Under Oklahoma law, she will have her choice of a lengthy prison sentence or having her arms twisted off by her little brother and being placed upside down in a coffee can with her legs spread apart.

(Joe Bob Briggs can be contacted at [email protected])