Don't try this at home -- or elsewhere!

Don't Try This at the City Park: Filming a pornographic film.

Officials in Miami Beach, Fla., reviewed a pornographic film this week called, "Island Adventure," because it was reportedly filmed on Monument Island, which happens to be a public park.

"This is not an uninhabited island miles off the coast," said Assistant City Manager Hilda Fernandez.

"It's a very busy bay. You can't go filming pornos in public parks," The Miami Herald quoted her as saying.

The films producers, RealityKings.com, did produce an attorney, who said no laws were broken, because there were no offended witnesses to the filming.

Don't Sell This at a Toy Store: A woman in New York bought a DVD at Toys "R" Us, that was labeled "Go, Diego, Go!" but it was, not a cartoon, but a pornographic film titled "Bubble Butt Bonanza No. 17."

"I saw a Caucasian lady and a man and they were naked. I was surprised. I was very disgusted," said Nigel Connor, 11, who viewed the film.

The child's mother, Candice Connor, said she was looking for a lawyer, the New York Daily News reported.

Seriously, No. 17?

Don't Try This for Valentine's Day: The Daily News reported the New York Bronx Zoo was offering, for $10, to have a Madagascar hissing cockroach named after your sweetheart as a Valentine's gift.

That old name a creepy, crunchy snack item from "Fear Factor" after your lover trick again. Admittedly, this is a close call, but it's recommended, if you want to keep the relationship going, you give the zoo $10 and tell your lover they can name a cockroach after yourself. Just saying.

Don't Try This Method of Venting: Posting messages on the Internet that call your students "rat-like" and "dim."

Natalie Munroe, a teacher in the Central Buck School District in Doylestown, Pa., posted similarly disparaging remarks for about a year, writing, at one point, "I hate your kid," and pegging one student as likely to "open fire on the school," CBSPhilly.com reported.

Munroe, an English teacher who has worked in the district since 2006, was suspended after parents complained.

Unless you love Merle Haggard and Conway Twitty, Don't Take a Nap in a Crawlspace under a Building owned by the Boulder, Colo., Community Hospital.

Officials decided the best way to dislodge the unwanted sleeper under the building was to blast country music until he or she woke up and found another place to hibernate, KMGH-TV, Denver, reported.

The napper was a bear, who, it must be reasoned, probably would have preferred "Brahms's Lullaby."