Week in Review, by Joe Bob Briggs

NEW YORK, July 20 (UPI) -- North Korea announced it had the plutonium needed to make six nuclear bombs --enough to create East Korea, West Korea, and the Seoul Deep Mining Region.

The underwear of John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jackie Kennedy was auctioned off in New Jersey, with JFK's Navy-issue monogrammed boxer shorts listed at $10,000 and a pair of Jackie's pantyhose offered at $300. The most valuable item was JFK's "little black book"--the one he used to jot down speech ideas-- but buyers could also avail themselves of his pajama bottoms, one of Jackie's pink evening purses, or daughter Caroline's Barbie doll. (Couldn't she show up and claim that?) Word has it that most of the bidders were owners of kinky theme restaurants in Key West.

Vicious roving cannibalistic packs of chihuahuas -- yes, that's what we said -- were rounded up by Los Angeles County authorities after a complaint about the dogs running loose on property in Acton, Calif. They found 236 of them, but 31 died during the roundup when they were mauled by their fellow midget pooches. Fifteen have been placed in foster homes and 36 more placed for adoption, but the remaining 190 have been deemed too vicious to live. A judge in Lancaster will be asked to sentence them to death, but meanwhile Gregory Peck's daughter-in-law, Kimi Peck, is leading a chihuahua-advocay group -- yes, that's what we said -- in a last-minute effort to have the animals reprieved. They're not THAT dangerous, she says, especially if you wear metal shin guards.

Professor Gunther von Hagens, the man who performed the first public autopsy in 170 years on England's Channel 4 last fall, is at it again. This time he'll do a televised autopsy of a boy from Kazahkstan who had been growing inside his twin brother. The inner twin was male, alive, and had part of a head, hair, teeth, limbs and nails--until he was surgically removed. The professor will explain, in a series called "Body Shock," that it's a case of "foetus in fetu," in which one twin fetus grows around the other at an early stage of development. The program is expected to set ratings records once again because of the Icky Factor.

Ninety percent of women who cheat feel no guilt about having an extra-marital affair, according to Susan Shapiro Barash's new book on infidelity, "A Passion for More." Their most common reaction is that they feel "entitled" to the affair. Although only 25 percent of the women actually marry their lovers, 60 percent have had affairs and 65 percent say that sex is better with the lover than with the husband. Interestingly, 97 percent of them purchase Victoria's Secret items that they would never waste on a spouse.

Asashory, the Mongolian superstar of Sumo wrestling, was shamefully disqualified after grabbing his opponent's topknot and pulling him to the ground by his hair. Should have gone for the diaper.

Ulysses S. Grant fans were not amused by the Fourth of July performance by Beyonce Knowles on the steps of Grant's Tomb. Frank Scaturro, president of the Grant Monument Association, fired off a letter to NBC, Interior Secretary Gale Norton and National Parks Service Director Fran Mainella, complaining of "lascivious choreography" and a lack of decorum by the former Destiny's Child singer. We can't help thinking that the lusty larger-than-life Grant might have enjoyed it. Unfortunately, Mrs. Grant is buried there as well.

Former Cincinnati mayor and talk show host Jerry Springer filed as a Democrat to run for the Ohio Senate seat of George V. Voinovich in 2004. Springer's platform includes leniency for transvestite hookers who are honest about who they are as people.

Brad Barnhill, a preacher in the First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty of Ravenna, Ohio, says that his wife can't be prosecuted in the courts because, according to his religous beliefs, he's the only one responsible for her actions in public and the only one empowered to punish her. His wife, Catherine Donkers, was stopped by the Ohio Highway Patrol and charged with child endangerment, failure to comply with the orders of a police officer, and several other infractions after she was spotted breast-feeding her baby while driving on the Ohio Turnpike. Her defense will be "My husband made me do it," and her husband's defense will be "The woman won't listen."

A restaurant in Chengdu, China, was shut down after health inspectors found old underpants being used as dish cloths. Everyone knows that in this particular part of Szechuan, dish cloths are normally made from old athletic supporters.

Scientists at the University of Wisconsin claim that hamburgers act on the body in the same way as nicotine and heroin, altering the biochemistry of the brain like an opiate. Social reformers are advocating free MethaMac clinics to bring people down easy.

Buddy Ebsen's romance novel -- yes, that's what we said -- has sold briskly since his death. "Kelly's Quest," the story of a Hollywood stagehand searching for Mr. Right, was published in 2001 but wasn't doing too well until recently. The steamy payoff chapter is a fantasy sex sequence with Miss Jane being ravished by Jethro.

A Maxwell Smart-style wristwatch telephone sold out in two months (5,000 units) after being introduced in Japan. The $310 four-ounce Wristomo can be used on the wrist or snapped off and straightened into a handset. Seiko Instruments, the manufacturer, has no plans to offer the Wristomo in other countries, saying at this point the Dork Factor is not high enough outside Japan.

A $30 talking Bill Clinton doll, just released by an Irvine, Calif., company, says "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and "It depends on what the meaning of is is." Future versions will have less well publicized sayings of the President, such as "Fleetwood Mac sucks."

Scenes from domestic life: Judith Garland of Baltimore landed in jail on a drug charge, but couldn't raise $25 to pay a bail bondsman to get her out. So she called a cousin from jail and, according to police, offered to sell her two-year-old son to the cousin for $250. The state then took the son away from her and gave temporary custody to the cousin, proving that it was a good idea in the first place.

Joe Bob Briggs is the pen name of John Bloom, who writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.