Commentary: Joe Bob's week in review

By JOE BOB BRIGGS  |  Sept. 6, 2002 at 12:13 PM
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Under a new law in Florida, any woman offering a child for adoption has to publish her sexual history in the newspaper, including the names of the men she's been with. If she had sex while drunk, she's allowed to use "John Doe who wears green plaid, drinks Heineken, wears a Rolex, and said he would call."

Akbar Turkmenbashi, the president of Turkmenistan whose name means "Great Leader of All Turkmen," changed the name of January to Turkmenbashi, to go along with the city, streets, mosques, factories, airports, vodka, tea and currency already named after him. We're looking forward to that new Turkmenbashi Diet Cola.

The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver upheld the right of Joseluis Saenz, a Chiricahua Apache, to own eagle feathers that he uses in religious ceremonies. The feathers had been seized by authorities, who said that they could only be used by federally recognized tribes, but Saenz sued and won. Saenz has been unable to practice his religion lately, but now that he has the feathers back he'll be using them to stir his sacred spotted-owl soup.

Carl Patrick Brown of Gulfport, Miss., was caught on videotape having sex with a horse, but claimed he was high on ecstasy and didn't know what he was doing. Circuit Judge Jerry O. Terry sentenced him to 18 months in prison and ordered him to avoid further contact with the horse. He's not even allowed to explain why he never calls or visits?

Dr. George Coppa, a psychiatrist in Staten Island, N.Y., treated a woman suffering from "hypersexuality" for three years -- by having sex with her. The state Health Department revoked his license -- but wouldn't reveal the patient's name or, more important, phone number.

The city of Venice wants to trademark its name internationally so it can earn income from companies that use words like "Venetian blinds." If the city succeeds in its campaign, the economic effects are expected to be far-reaching, especially for the city of Acme in the Czech Republic.

Drug addicts, hookers and beggars on the streets of Vancouver are demanding compensation from the Hollywood production companies who frequently shoot films and TV series there and disrupt business during the time the streets are taken over by film crews. The Vancouver Sun is backing their demands, which would ask the Hollywood producers to pay for alternative housing for displaced homeless people, and compensation when a prostitute has to retire early for the evening. In a related development, producers working on location in the Yukon will be asked to pay noise abatement fines for frightened moose.

The school board in Devils Lake, N.D., voted unanimously to remove the nickname of Central High School. Its athletic teams have always been known as the Satans, but devil-worshippers apparently complained that they didn't want their sacred traditions demeaned with cartoon devils on sweatshirts. They'll also have to alter their traditional cheerleading yell, which was "Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do God and Jesus hate!"

Eleven scientists published a report in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science estimating that the Earth's resources are being used up at a rate of 125 percent when compared to how fast those resources can be regenerated. This compares to a 1961 rate of 70 percent, meaning we're 25 percent over the eco-budget and basically devouring ourselves. After releasing the report, all 11 scientists had a Diet Pepsi.

Most girls under 18 would stop using clinics where they get birth control pills, pregnancy tests and sexual-disease tests, if the clinics were required to inform their parent. According to a study in The Journal of the American Medical Association, 59 percent of the girls now using family planning clinics for these services would stop using them, but 99 percent would continue having sex. This falls under the category of "Duh" research.

Pizza Hut, Papa John's and Domino's all started tacking on delivery fees of up to $1.50 in selected markets, causing dormitory rioting in parts of Colorado and eastern Oregon.

The state of Texas went 72 hours, a modern record, without executing anyone.

The average American consumes 14 meals a year in his car, and there are more food-related accidents than cell-phone-related accidents on the highways, according to federal studies. Our solution: hands-free feed bags.

A woman in Jordan successfully sued her husband for divorce just four months after the nation's laws were changed to allow women to obtain divorces for the first time. Her grounds were simple: she hated her husband. Oddly refreshing, isn't it? She didn't say "He does terrible things." She said "I hate him." We can learn from the ancient cultures.

The world's first photograph -- an 1825 image of a man in baggy pants leading a horse -- was purchased by the French National Library for $392,000, even though the horseman is reported to have said "Wait a minute, my eyes were closed on that one."

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(Joe Bob's Week In Review is brought to you each week by THE JOE BOB REPORT Web site at joebobbriggs.com)

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