CHICAGO, March 13 (UPI) -- The Chicago Cubs are "guaranteed" to make a World Series appearance this year?
Yeah right. The Brooklyn Bridge is also for sale.
But it's true. The part about the Cubs, that is, sort of. Jeff Swanson, 40, of Dewitt, Iowa, is using eBay to auction off a "written guarantee" the Cubs will play in the 2003 World Series.
The "guarantee" has been up for bid for the past week, with the bidding as high as $900 by early Friday for a binding contract ensuring the Cubs will be the National League champions for the first time since 1945.
No one has to "sell their soul" to the Devil, a la Joe Hardy, the character from the Broadway show and movie "Damn Yankees," who made his deal to try to get a championship for the hapless Washington Senators.
Bids on the contract will be taken until Friday afternoon. If past custom is any indication, many people interested in the on-line auction are waiting until the final moments so they can try to get in the final bid.
Swanson admits the auction's main purpose is fan morale, saying, "I want to raise the confidence level of my fellow Cub fans across the nation."
How seriously should one take this?
After all, the Cubs are a team that has been unable to play in the World Series for more than a half-century. They've even had trouble putting together winning seasons: four of the last six seasons have seen Cubs teams struggle to avoid losing 100 games.
In their own division -- the National League Central -- the St. Louis Cardinals and Houston Astros are the teams figured to have a chance at the World Series this year.
Even the professional gamblers don't think much of the Cubs' chances. The World Sports Exchange puts the Cubs' chances of winning the National League pennant at 12-1, although the Stardust Casino thinks just a bit more of the Baby Bruins -- setting the odds at 7-1.
While not as bad as the 150-1 odds set for the Milwaukee Brewers, it makes them less likely than the Arizona Diamondbacks (3-1), Atlanta Braves (7-2), New York Mets (6-1) and San Francisco Giants (3-1), along with the Cardinals and Astros (both 5-1) to turn 2003 into a championship year.
There's also a tongue planted very firmly in-cheek with the guarantee.
The contract, which is to be signed by Swanson and the high bidder after the auction concludes, includes clauses saying that should the Cubs fail to make it to the World Series, the winning bidder will get season tickets for 2004, along with a donation made in their name to the "Cubs Care" charitable foundation maintained by the baseball club.
It also calls for Swanson to pay for a party for up to 50 people to be held at the Cubby Bear, a tavern across the street from Wrigley Field. According to the contract, costs for the party must be kept under $3,000.
So in the end, the winning bidder gets the right to set a guest list for a party to be held during the World Series. Presumably, the winner will drown his baseball sorrow with alcoholic beverages while watching large-screen televisions tuned to quality baseball.
Of course, it could be worse for those wretched souls who waste their lives rooting for the Cubbies.
The Cubs' top rival, the Cardinals, are legitimate pennant contenders while Chicago's best chance of hosting the World Series in 2003 lies with the South Side White Sox (8-1 odds of winning the American League pennant this year).
A Sox/Cards World Series, with Cubs fans forced to drink away their sorrow? It probably won't happen.
Achieving that scenario would require a few bargaining sessions with Ray Walston as Mr. Applegate.
