Newton said his family's Roomba vacuum cleaner started its programmed 1:30 a.m. run through the house and ended up spreading, rather than cleaning, Evie's droppings around the house.
"And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening," Newton wrote.
"If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you. Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.
It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop."
Newton said a bad situation turned worse when his 4-year-old got out of bed in the middle of the night and slogged through the poop trail before crawling into bed with his parents.
The Roomba failed to survive Newton's cleanup efforts, but he said the one bright spot in his poopy story was when Hammacher Schlemmer informed him the device was covered by a lifetime warranty and would be replaced.
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- Jackson Pollock
