News flash: Ivanka Trump reportedly has just bought the rights to the Bond movies and a new production company called Twenty-First Century Trump. Speculation abounds that Trump has hired a dream creative team rumored to include Steve Bannon, Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort on special leave from prison, Michael Flynn and led by Sarah Sanders. WikiLeaks has released a recording of the first session, although while the content is understandable, the speakers were identified by voices numbered 1 to 5.
Voice 1: We have two tasks. First, who is going to play James Bond, 007? Second, who is the villain out to start a war in the Gulf?
Voice 2: Don Jr. and Eric have already approached their father for the role as Bond.
Voice 1: You are joking. What are we going to do? Divide it and call each OO3 1/2?
Voice 5: Sean Hannity would be great. Or maybe Sean Spicer.
Voice 3: There have been enough Seans playing Bond. We don't need another. But let's pick the villain?
Voice 4: Iran is the best bet. John Bolton would love that. Slam dunk.
Voice 5: Too simplistic. We need something that will sell. After all, this is a money-making organization lest we forget.
Voice 2: That is really wishful thinking unless we can get a tax write-off. That means we need to make the movie here. But not in California or New York.
Voice 1: That can wait. Let's go back to the villain. The Saudis would be fine. Except the term Saudi military competence is an oxymoron. They would have to hire out.
Voice 4: That would mean Erik Prince. But do want to give him a role in this movie, even though he offered to win Afghanistan for us?
Voice 1: No, we need a really serious villain in this movie. How about Nancy Pelosi?
Voice 5; Now you are talking. We can give her a secret hideaway in the Congress. And Mike Pence could find it.
Voice 3: We can't leave Chuck Schumer out.
Voice 2: Brilliant. We have co-conspirators. So what do we call the movie with a title that fits?
Voice 5: How about Doctor Trump or From Trump With Love? Or better, Trump is Forever.
Voice 3: I like Trump Finger. Or maybe Trump Never Dies.
Voice 2; I know Ivanka likes Casino Trump.
Voice 1: Back to the questions. Who is the bad guy or bad guys and who plays Bond?
Voice 4: Rex Tillerson would be a great villain -- we could call him Tiller Rex, not quite Pussy Galore but not bad. Blow up the Gulf; stop the oil; see Enron stock soar. Would help the stock market and Trump would love it.
Voice 5: Get serious. The guy who called the president a "[expletive] moron?" We would do better with H.R. McMaster. After all, he looks a bit like Telly Savalas, who was once a Bond bad guy.
Voice 2: On that note, who would play "M?" We could cast a younger version of Judy Dench and use Laura Ingraham. Or Judge Janine. Maybe Ivanka would like a cameo role?
Voice 1: Team: Wake up. We need to start filming now to get ahead of the war. And please, no one suggest the title Wag the Trump!
Voice 3: We could make a certain Israeli the villain but then let Netanyahu discover the plot, call Bond to eliminate him.
Voice 1: You mean Avigdor Lieberman? That would get Binny re-elected if we move quickly enough.
Voice 4: Can't we bring the Russians and Chinese into this? Maybe anti-Trump cliques in Moscow and Beijing want to force Trump into a war. They have the means. And we could portray Putin and Xi as good guys who turn the tables. Trump would love that.
Voice 3: But can't we make Biden or Elizabeth Warren the villains forcing Trump into a war to win the election? That makes some sense.
Voice 5: That is a good idea. But the movie will be out this year and too soon to affect the election. Plus, Biden has enough notoriety.
Voice 1: Ivanka just texted me. She wants answers now.
Phone rings and Voice 5 picks it up. "Yes Jared. What a good idea! That really makes sense. We hit all the bases. After this, Jared, you are sure to solve the Middle East crisis and maybe on the seventh day take some time off."
Consolidated voices: "And...?"
Voice 5: Problem solved. The villain will be George Conway, who called for Trump's impeachment.
Voices: And Bond?
Voice 5: Only one choice: Kellyanne Conway, George's wife!
Harlan Ullman is UPI's Arnaud de Borchgrave Distinguished Columnist. His latest book is "Anatomy of Failure: Why America Has Lost Every War It Starts." Follow him @harlankullman.