In the immediate aftermath of her loss to Holly Holm in November, UFC star Ronda Rousey considered ending her own life.
Rousey, in an appearance on "Ellen" with Ellen Degeneres airing Tuesday, detailed her thoughts and was overcome with emotion explaining her mindset after her first career mixed-martial arts loss.
"Honestly, my thought, I was like, in the medical room and I was like down in the corner, I was in the corner and I was like 'what am I anymore if I'm not this?' I was literally sitting there and thinking about killing myself and that exact second I'm like 'I'm nothing, what do I do anymore and no one gives a (expletive) about me anymore without this,'" Rousey said, pausing with her eyes closed to choke back tears. "And to be honest, I looked up and I saw my man Travis (Browne) was standing up there and I looked up at him and I was like, 'I need to have his babies. I need to stay alive.' Really that was it. I haven't told anybody that. I think I only told him that."
Rousey, an Olympian who had a flawless record in her unprecedented rise through the UFC women's ranks, lost her father to suicide when Rousey was eight years old.
Holm is scheduled to fight Miesha Tate in UFC 196.
Rousey has hosted "Saturday Night Live" and appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue since the loss, clear evidence that her star remains bright even after the loss.
Rousey said Tuesday she still wants to fight Holm.
"I want to fight Holly," she said. "I want to beat her and make everything right again."
A rematch with Holm is booked, but the date for that fight is to be announced, as Rousey works back from medical and emotional issues. She was unable to eat solid food for three months following the UFC 193 fight in Australia.
Rousey told ESPN during a two-hour interview on Dec. 8 that she was back training while living and breathing the devastating loss to Holm.
"I need to come back," Rousey said. "I need to beat this chick. Who knows if I'm going to pop my teeth or break my jaw or rip my lip open. I have to (expletive) do it."
UFC president Dana White has only confirmed Holm-Rousey II would be in 2016, but a date is still being discussed.
"I always say you have to be willing to get your heart broken. That's just what (expletive) happens when you try," Rousey said in the ESPN interview conducted the day after Thanksgiving.
Rousey said one of the kicks she took to the face against Holm left her teeth unstable. She had stitches in her lip and bruising on her cheekbones.
"It might be three to six months before I can eat an apple, let alone take an impact," Rousey said.
"I just feel so embarrassed," Rousey said, adding that she's sad and after cutting her mouth in the first round she wasn't thinking like a fighter. "How I fought after that is such an embarrassing representation of myself. I wasn't even (expletive) there."
