Here are some of the highlights:
The perfect gift for that special someone in your life who loves breakfast foods but never leaves the house, IHOP's PancakeWear line of onesies, lounge pants and socks will help your loved one say, "I wish I could go to IHOP, but I refuse to change out of my pajamas."
All proceeds from the food-printed clothing line, created to celebrate IHOP's 60th anniversary, are being donated to Children's Miracle Network Hospitals.
What do you get for the fashionista in your life who has everything? How about almost nothing -- nothing, that is, but the rough outline of a pair of pants.
The Carmar Extreme Cut Out Jeans feature virtually no coverage, but plenty of space in their large front pockets. Just make sure you remind the recipient of your $168 scrap of denim to put on some clean underwear before going out.
Tamworth Distilling and Mercantile's Eau De Musc
What makes the perfect bourbon? Is it notes of vanilla? Oak? Caramel? Beaver? Give the connoisseur in your life a drink they'll never forget, Tamworth Distilling and Mercantile's Eau De Musc, which contains scent oils from the castor sacs of New Hampshire beavers.
The buck-toothed booze, which is 88 proof and costs $65 for a 6.7-ounce bottle, was described by Tamworth distiller Matt Power as "leathery, rich," and "slightly fruity in a non-traditional sense." Nothing gross about that.
Golden Goose's Superstar Taped Sneaker
You know that person in your life -- likely a teenager -- who is always asking for expensive high-fashion items, but you know that whatever you buy them is going to quickly get destroyed by negligence? Well, good news!
The Superstar Taped Sneaker, made by fashion brand Golden Goose and sold online by Nordstrom, has all the appeal of a high-fashion price tag -- $530 for a single pair -- but with the dirty, taped-together aesthetic of gym shoes that were left in the back yard for the weekend and fixed with packing tape after being run over by the lawn mower.
A night in the house from A Christmas Story
But what, you ask, about the millennials in your life? Beaver bourbon isn't vegan, and $530 shoes are bourgeois. Today's 20- and 30-somethings don't want consumer goods, they want experiences! What experience could be more nostalgically appropriate than a night in Ralphie's house from A Christmas Story?
The Cleveland home was used for the exterior shots of the 1983 Christmas classic, and owner Brian Jones, 42, has spent the last decade and a half turning the inside into a replica of the sound stage sets from the film. A one-night stay will run you about $3,000 during the Christmas season, but Jones said the price will go down during the off-season.
Is there a special someone in your life whose favorite things include candy and mac and cheese? Well, why not ruin their love of both with the Mac & Cheese Candy Canes from novelty company Archie McPhee?
The $5.95 "comfort food that tastes like comfort food" is a relative bargain compared to the rest of the gifts on this list, and if mac and cheese doesn't sound right to you, candy canes are also available in flavors including pickle, bacon, rotisserie chicken and shellfish-flavored "Clamdy Canes."
Drinks by the Dram's Very Old and Rare Whisky Advent Calendar
Maybe there's someone in your life who feels like they've outgrown the magic of Christmas. Maybe you want to spend $13,000 proving them wrong. The Very Old and Rare Whisky Advent Calendar from Drinks by the Dram will restore your loved one's sense of wonder -- or at least get them drunk enough to fake it.
The advent calendar includes 24 small servings of exotic and rare liquors including "complex Japanese whiskys" and a 60-year-old Scotch. The calendar retails for $12,977.19, but hey, Christmas spirit (get it?) doesn't come cheap, Scrooge.
Jimmy Dean sausage-scented wrapping paper
As any true breakfast lover will tell you, the best part of the sausage is the smell (just ask the recipient of your IHOP PancakeWear). Well, now that you have the perfect gifts for your loved ones, why not envelope them in the savory embrace of Jimmy Dean's sausage-scented wrapping paper?
The wrapping paper, part of a promotion that also features a sausage ornament for your tree and an apron printed to resemble an ugly Christmas sweater, doesn't cost any money, but you will need to send the company a picture of your food (ask a Millennial for help with this one).
Argos' Half Parasol Christmas Tree
Finally, you have all the perfect gifts, wrapped neatly in sausage-scented paper. There's only one problem: How are you going to fit all of this loot under your Christmas tree?
The solution: Argos' Half Parasol Christmas Tree. The 6-foot-tall fake fir abruptly goes bald halfway down, providing plenty of space for your generous gifts. The company says the tree is also perfect for protecting the branches from your cats (although keep in mind you might need additional security to keep pets away from the meat-scented paper).
Odd News is not responsible for any injuries, illnesses or decades-long family feuds caused by any of the gifts on this extremely serious, tongue-out-of-cheek list. Merry shopping and happy holidays!
