"Very impressive, this result is," the news release said, quoting "a diminutive green spokesperson for the laboratory."
"The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers," said fictional CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine. "It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together."
The release cautioned a "dark matter researcher" named "Dave Vader" was "breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference" and sparked rumors he plans to "delve into the Dark Side of the Standard Model."
The release said the CERN council was convinced to finance dozens of new R2 units for the project, but "sources close to the Data Center later revealed that these were not the droids they were looking for."
"With the research ongoing, many at CERN are already predicting that the Force will awaken later this year," the group said.
