Don't try this at home -- or elsewhere!

By ANTHONY HALL, United Press International  |  Jan. 8, 2012 at 3:00 AM
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In Parma, Ohio, do not expect any favors if you happen to be ignorant of somebody named Beyonce getting married to somebody named Jay-Z.

That would be (thanks Wikipedia) singer Beyonce and rapper Jay-Z, both winners of multiple Grammys.

Anyway, police in Parma reported Ronald Deaver, well-known to his closest relatives, was arguing with Garfield Heights, whoever that is, and when Deaver found out Heights was blissfully ignorant of the fact Beyonce was married to Jay-Z, Deaver felt justice would be served if he stabbed the alleged ignoramus -- and, no, that's not someone who ignores Amos, whoever that is.

WJW-TV, Cleveland, wherever that is, reported the story. Deaver was arrested. Heights lived through his ordeal. It is safe to say he now knows that Beyonce is married to rapper Jay-Z.

But do either of them know Beyonce's full name is Beyonce Giselle Knowles and Jay-Z is Shawn Corey Carter?

In Madison, Wis., do not expect any favors if you take a car for a test drive instead of taking the bus.

The Madison Police Department said a man, whose name was not given, took a 2000 Nissan Alitma for a test drive without a salesman and set his sights on Milwaukee -- 80 miles away.

The man told police as far as he was concerned it is normal to take a car for a test drive and return it the next day. The police told him it is normal to arrest people who do that. Test drives are 15-minute runs around the block with a salesman in the car. Test drives are not 160-mile round trips with stops at the Chinese Buffet or the dry cleaners.

The man was actually on his way back from Milwaukee and 7 miles from the dealership when police intervened, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.

In Florida, state troopers played the role of traitorous stormtroopers, taking down a disoriented man who fancied himself as "Star Wars" bad guy Darth Vader.

Florida Highway Patrol Sgt. Kim Montes said a trooper asked a man in a Darth Vader mask at 2:45 in the morning to leave a construction site in the Nebula Galaxy, 93 million miles from the sun -- that is, specifically in Orlando, Fla.

The man, 28-year-old Michael Cole, proved impervious to the troopers' stun gun and pepper spray attacks, and countered with kicks and punches -- no lightsaber handy, apparently.

It took several state troopers to subdue the emperor's humorless, heavy-breathing henchman, the Orlando Sentinel reported.

His mother said Cole wasn't drunk, but having a manic episode. She said she had tried to have him admitted involuntarily to a hospital a day earlier but at that time hospital officials and police did not consider him a threat to himself or others.

He now faces charges of resisting arrest with violence and battery on a law-enforcement officer, both felonies.

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