Week in Review, by Joe Bob Briggs

Employees at the Nasiriyah hospital where Private Jessica Lynch was treated say they shielded her from the Iraqi army for eight days, that she hid beneath her sheets during gunfire eruptions, that her limb fractures were probably caused by a vehicle accident, that she had no bullet wounds, that she had no stab wounds, that she got immediate emergency surgery as soon as she was brought in, that doctors and nurses donated two pints of blood that she needed, that two nurses stayed with her 24 hours a day, that the hospital protected her from an Iraqi intelligence officer who wanted to transfer her, that she was never slapped by an Iraqi officer or abused in any other way, that there was no resistance to U.S. troops who came to get her, and that the American troops could have simply walked through the front door instead of knocking out the building's power, blowing out windows, detaining staff members, handcuffing civilians, and holding the hospital's assistant manager in captivity for two days. Obviously these people don't know the first thing about western medicine.

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Martha Stewart was indicted for federal securities fraud and obstruction of justice, resigned as chief executive of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, vowed to defend her reputation and fight the charges in court, and prepared a gooseberry tart.

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Gay employees at the Justice Department —- now there's a concept -— were denied permission to hold their annual gay pride event at Justice headquarters in Washington, the first time a gay assembly has been blocked by a federal agency. Since the mid-1990s the event has been held in the Department's Great Hall, but Justice insiders said that John Ashcroft recently found out that the employees weren't just gay, they were actually doing disgusting things with their wingwangs and himminyhominas.

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Serena Williams, top women's tennis player in the world, was defeated in the semi-finals of the French Open before a vicious crowd that cheered her every mistake, including her serving faults, and booed and hissed when she asked the judge to recheck some ball marks, even though she was correct and the judge reversed his call. It wasn't clear exactly why the French were so anti-Serena and so favorable toward her Belgian opponent, Justine Henin-Hardenne, since the French traditionally don't like the Belgians any more than they like Americans. After Williams lost, ending the record of nine straight Grand Slam events won by either Serena or her sister Venus, Serena was even jeered in defeat as she walked off the court. She toughed out a press conference, then broke down in tears. Asked if the crowd affected her play, she said, "It doesn't make it any harder. I just . . ." and then lost her composure. "Actually, that's a lie," she said. Unfortunately, it's the tradition to play the French Open in France.

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In other French catcalling news, Vincent Gallo's new film "The Brown Bunny" was heckled and booed during its screening at the Cannes Film Festival, with jeering whistles every time Gallo's name appeared on the screen. During one scene, while Gallo and his co-star Chloe Sevigny ride a bicycle-built-for-two and Sevigny paws at Gallo's crotch, Chicago Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert began singing "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," according to press accounts. Later Ebert pronounced it "the worst film in the history of the festival," adding "I have not seen every film in the history of the festival, yet I feel my judgment will stand." Safely back in New York, Gallo attacked Ebert in the pages of the New York Post, calling the critic a "fat pig" and announcing he was putting a curse on Ebert's colon. Ebert, undeterred, responded with his own piece, saying, "I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than 'The Brown Bunny.'" The movie had been hyped because of a very graphic oral sex scene between Gallo and Sevigny, but it now looks like that might be the only reward Gallo receives from his three-year project.

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Hillary Clinton broke her silence on the Monica Lewinsky affair in a new book in which she said she "wanted to wring his neck" when she found out her husband the President had been having sex with a White House intern. She screamed and yelled at the chief executive, then she and daughter Chelsea gave him the silent treatment, so that the only family member paying any attention to him was Buddy the dog. Buddy considered it one of the few inter-species character traits they had in common.

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Seniors at Scarsdale High School in tony Westchester County, New York, were forbidden from taking limousines to the prom this year. Instead they had to be dropped off at the school by their parents, where they were forced to attend a pre-prom party organized by the PTA, then loaded onto school buses with faculty chaperones and shuttled to the prom itself. It's all part of the new "We Know What You Did Last Summer" policy.

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After 80 days of searching, still no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, causing several CIA analysts to come forward to say that they never believed Saddam Hussein had the weapons in the first place and told that to the Pentagon, which ignored them. Hussein did have some really nasty porno and violent video games, however, so the whole issue is moot.

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Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa was kicked out of a game for using a corked bat. He said it was an honest mistake: he picked up his batting-practice bat instead of his game bat, and besides, he didn't have a wine opener.

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Eric Rudolph, the FBI's most wanted man, was flushed out of the North Carolina piney woods after he ventured out of his hideaway to do some Dumpster-diving in the town of Murphy. Rudolph, accused of bombing an abortion clinic in Birmingham and setting off a bomb at Centennial Park during the 1996 Olympics, was on the lam for five years, subsisting on salamanders, wild berries, deer and bear. His breath confirmed this.

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The City Council of Arcata, Calif., made it a crime to cooperate with the Patriot Act. Asked for his reaction, John Ashcroft said, "Damn hippies."

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The city of Venice launched a $2.7 billion floodgate project called Project Moses to try to get the upper hand against the encroaching Adriatic, which put the city under water 111 times last year. It will take eight years to build the 78 gates, which gives them just enough time to avoid the destruction of the city. They were not warned that they were sinking until the year 1300.

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A vicious badger named Boris attacked a BBC producer and director at his home in Evesham, England, and left him with severe wounds to his forearm and legs. Boris had escaped from a wildlife visitor center and gone on a rampage, attacking five people before being subdued. Dr. Elaine King, chief executive of the National Federation of Badger Groups, said that Boris had shown no previous signs of aggression, but failed to point out that they don't call them badgers for nothing.

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Selimy Mensah of Leonia, New Jersey, attempted to open a can of spray paint with an electric can opener, resulting in second-and third-degree burns on her confused body.

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Sheldon M. Schapiro, a Circuit Judge in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., cut off a lawyer arguing a sexual-battery case by saying "Do you know what I think of your argument?," then pushed a button on a device that simulated the sound of a commode flushing. The moment provided an especially difficult challenge for the court stenographer.

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Traci Bingham, formerly a babe on "Baywatch," says she'll run nekkid through the streets of Pamplona next month to protest the Running of the Bulls. Her theory is that the young men of Pamplona will decide there are more interesting ways to celebrate the annual tradition. Like . . . uh . . . dodging implants?

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Scenes from domestic life:

·Linda Hebert, a babysitter in Picayune, Mississippi, was driving a car with five children aboard when she pulled into a rest stop in Covington, La., slumped over the wheel, and fell asleep with the motor running. One of the children, a 7-year-old girl, asked someone at the rest stop if she could use his cell phone to dial 911. The babysitter was drunk, it turned out. Grounded.

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Scenes from our secure republic:

·New York's Pennsylvania Station, busiest passenger terminal in the nation, was evacuated as police investigated a "suspicious passenger" on a train arriving from Washington. A trained dog smelled something suspicious in the man's belongings, but a search revealed nothing. The terminal reopened, but the man disappeared into the immigration prisons. Obviously a case of Amtraking While Swarthy.

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Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.