Subscribe | UPI Odd Newsletter Subscribe WASHINGTON, March 12 (UPI) -- Napoleon was quoted as saying that an army marches on its stomach. Given their penchant for fine foods, the French, quite naturally, are very sensitive about their food. This is a subject they take quite seriously. Place four French people around a dinner table, and you can bet your bottom euro that one of the main topics of conversation will undoubtedly shift to... yes, what else, food. So when American politicians, angered by France's anti-war stance, wanted to strike back against this cheese-eating country, they felt a culinary rebuke would be the most appropriate path to follow. Hit them where it hurts the most, they thought. So on Tuesday, American lawmakers struck back. Advertisement But with the terror alert still at code yellow -- meaning elevated -- you would think that the country's lawmakers would be active pursuing ways to make the country safer, right? No! Think again. Your tax dollars are hard at work renaming French fries --- indeed an important piece of legislature labor. Advertisement House Administration Committee Chairman Bob Ney, R-Ohio, and Rep. Walter Jones, R-N.C, found they had enough time to devote from affairs of state to reword the menus of three Capitol Hill House office cafeterias. With media coverage and much pomp and circumstance, they changed the name of French fries to "freedom fries." Ditto for "French toast" which will henceforth be known as "freedom toast." Don't know about you, but I sure feel safer now. Thank you congressmen. If this rage of French bashing continues much longer, Webster's Dictionary --- and a group of congressmen with obviously too much time and too little work on their hands -- would need to re-write entire long-established names. Along those lines, consider the following: French bread: Freedom Bread? Doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Maybe Americans could learn to pronounce the word "baguette" instead. It would solve that problem. French chalk, the very fine soapstone chalk used for marking lines on clothes, could be renamed "American chalk." It could then be used to outline fine lines in the sand which Saddam would be told not to cross. A French Canadian could henceforth simply be referred to as a Quebecois, or why not, a "Free Canadian." Oops, forget that one -- not sure it would go down well with the rest of the country. Advertisement A French cuff, worn with cuff links, and the preferred shirts of many presidents, would have to become known as "presidential cuffs." They were big with president Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. Not sure I have ever seen "W" wear them. French doors: change that too. How about "foreign doors." (Pronounced "fern" doors in the southern states.) French dressing: Ah, please do change that one. There is absolutely nothing French about it, anyway. You would actually be doing the French a huge favor. In fact, when you remove the "French" association from ANY American food, you would be doing the French a tremendous favor. Remember, this is a country where top chefs commit suicide whenever they lose a star in the Michelin Guide -- the Bible of fine French cuisine. French heel: Let's not go there. French kiss: You can call that a "Hollywood kiss," seeing that in France it is actually called an American kiss, because of its association with American films. French films, after all, tend to be far more graphic. They often don't even bother with the kissing part. French knot, an embroidery stitch could be changed to a "Blair knot" in honor of the British prime minister's loyalty to the U.S. position. Advertisement French leave -- sneaking out of a party without thanking the host -- another misnomer: The French call this "partir a l'anglaise," or leaving the English way. French letter -- we all know what that is. (The French call this an English letter.) But seeing the Bush administration is big on abstinence, we can simply delete this one all together. French pastry -- now what are you going to call that? Texas tortillas? French roll: What Chirac is on right now. French twist -- named for a woman's hair style, could be applied to describing French politics. And last, but by all means, not least, French windows: What Bush would like to throw Chirac out of.
