William Winckler is an El Lay entertainment attorney who suddenly chucked his law books and turned "B movie" director last year, pulling three Russ Meyer Bosom Queens out of retirement and building a movie around them called "The Double-D Avenger."
Yes, that's what I said.
Kitten Natividad, Haji and Raven De La Croix -- who were strippers, pin-up girls and voluptuous vixens in the 1960s -- have somehow managed to keep their enormous talents in fighting shape for a wild farce shot in 15 days on various ratty Southern California locations.
The film is not exactly SENSUAL, if you know what I mean. They could have called it "Attack of the Slutty Grandmas."
At any rate, who could resist, for the sheer camp value alone? Certainly not me. And even though Winckler's directing style could best be described as Declamatory Mammary-Gland Expressionism -- there's a lot of shouting and bouncing in this baby -- there's a certain train-wreck charm about it, enhanced, of course, by industrial-strength cantilevered Wonder Bras.
Kitten Natividad stars as English pub owner Chastity Knott, serving up brewskis in a roadhouse populated by rednecks and women whose busts alone would require two seats on Southwest Airlines. She passes up a date to a cow-milking contest to get her annual mammogram (you wanted the plot, right?), and a snorting Dr. De La Croix (guess who) leans over her desk and gives her the bad news: she has breast cancer.
Not exactly a topic I would introduce into a movie about busty good-time gals, but it sets up the whole South America sequence, in which Kitten jets to a jungle populated by stock-footage hippos, apes and kangaroos (I guess it's the far southwestern part of South America), then hooks up with a sombrero-wearing guide who leads her to the Amazon tribe called the Ta-Tas.
The Amazon queen Orbs introduces Kitten to the magical crockazilla plant, which is apparently indistinguishable from a banana stuck on a stick, and shows her how to lick it until her breast cancer is gone and she can lift huge papier-mache boulders with her superpowers.
She'll need her strength, as it turns out, because across town -- we're back in El Lay now -- an evil topless bar owner arms his three bazoomiest dancers with plastic weapons and a Jeep and sends them to rub out the competition. They fail to deflate Kitten when she jumps 30 feet into the air to avoid their projectile shaving cream, but they score a direct hit on her frustrated Jacuzzi-loving boyfriend Bubba.
Two scenes later Kitten has donned a mask and boots and become a deadly weapon encased in tights -- sort of Wonder Woman with whoppers. She not only beats the bejabbers out of all three gravity-challenged assassins, but a spear bounces harmlessly, and then she chases Haji, in the role of Hydra Heffer, into the Movieland Wax Museum, where her harem-girl outfit allows her to sneak past elderly curator Forrest J. Ackerman (founder of Monsters of Movieland magazine) and get the jump on the famous Double Ds, which she attempts to remove with a machete, only to end up with a very large knife bent like Uri Geller was concentrating on it.
The best part of this whole sequence is hearing Ackerman, the elegant godfather of horror, enunciate the words "humongous hooters."
After the obligatory hair-pulling catfight among the zaftig zanies at Al's topless bar, each girl is spanked by Al (to ensure video sales in the United Kingdom), and then Kitten goes hunting for revenge at the only place she knows strippers hang out -- discount lingerie stores. She parries poison fingernail darts hurled at her by the protuberant Mimma Mariucci, in the role of Pirate Juggs, but Kitten knocks her out cold and she wakes up in the hospital with a police guard.
As it turns out, she's dangled her last dinglebobber, for Al is so frightened that he sends Sheri Dawn Smith to rub out Pirate Juggs, which she does with the aid of a Stone Age mace.
Following the gratuitous German motorcycle-mama chicken dance at Al's place, the movie ricochets toward a climax as Kitten shows up in drag, pretending to be a huge tipper while concealing her huge tips, then spins around so fast that she transforms into the Double-D Avenger using a special-effect fade that probably cost at least $30 in an optical house.
Unfortunately, the DDA is doused with lemonade and passes out, in an homage to the Wicked Witch of the West, and by the time she's conscious again, the death-dealing strippers and their burlesque-comic boss are speeding away. Kitten has no choice but to perform pushups on the highway, thereby creating an earthquake that crashes the Jeep and leads to a thrilling race through a field of burrs and thistles, ending with Al being suffocated in Kitten's grand canyon.
Not since "Beach House" have I been so moved.
Let's take a look at those drive-in totals. We have: Two dead bodies. Fourteen breasts. (All in a photo montage. Thank you, William.) Jungle dancing. Spoon-bending. Near-fatal lap dancing. Machete attacking. Head-cracking. One catfight. Mace-whacking. Two fistfights. Pistol-bending. One German chicken dance. Earthquake. Papier-mache avalanche. Head-bashing. Garbonza battery.
Soundtrack music apparently recorded by the orchestra in a Vegas showroom.
Gratuitous Princess phone destruction. Gratuitous lingerie dressing-room montage. Kung Fu. Garbonza Fu. Lemonade Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Kitten Navidad, as the only bartender alive who's able to store all the ingredients for every cocktail inside her bra, and as the Double-D Avenger herself. Lunden De'Leon, as the Amazon queen; Raven De La Croix, as the voluminous physician; G. Larry Butler, as the RICO-act-violating gentleman's club owner Al Purplewood, for saying "You protuberant idiots!"; Gary Canavello, as the blubbery love interest who gets creamed to death; Haji and her aerodynamically-designed harem outfits; Sheri Dawn Thomas as the token airhead; and William Winckler, for writing himself a part in his own movie but giving himself nothing to do.
Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
Website for "The Double-D Avenger": doubledavenger.com.
(To reach Joe Bob, go to joebob-briggs.com or e-mail him at JoeBob@upi.com. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)