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Dec. 30 (UPI) -- Tana Mongeau is sharing the "truth" about her "unhealthy" marriage to Jake Paul. The YouTube star, 21, said in a video titled "the truth about everything" Sunday that she "lost" herself in her relationship with Paul, a fellow Internet personality.
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Mongeau and Paul married at a $500,000 wedding in Las Vegas in July. Mongeau later said the marriage wasn't legally binding, enforcing many people's belief that Mongeau and Paul's relationship is fake.
"This year is coming to a close and I'm just not happy. I'm so unhappy with the way my relationship with Jake looks in the public eye and I've done so much pretending that I don't care what I do," Mongeau said in the new video.
"I loved Jake so much; I still do... But I did so much of being the cool girl and not caring because I wanted to do life with this person," she added. "I think I put so much of myself into Jake that I lost myself, and that's not his fault. And I'm not blaming him for that at all. It's just the reality. I don't regret it."
Mongeau said she considers her marriage to Paul real.
"Everyone thought it was for clout and fame and I think that made it so much worse for me mentally. If anything I would be so much smarter if it was... If the wedding was fake to me in my head, I would be in so much less pain," she said.
Mongeau said her wedding to Paul was a negative turning point in their relationship. She called her wedding night "hell" and discussed her decision to have an open relationship with Paul.
"The second that Jake and I got married, I just feel like everything changed," Mongeau said. "I don't blame him, but it left me clinging, trying to make this work."
"I feel like an open relationship with Jake was him being able to have sex with a new [expletive] every night, which I am not blaming him," she added. "I was the one green-lighting everything because I just wanted to make him happy. And letting it kill me."
Mongeau said she still loves Paul, in spite of their issues, and is still together with the YouTube star.
"I always want to be close with Jake, no matter what. I shared one of the craziest times of my life with this person and we were a team and he made me feel some of the best feelings I've ever felt just as a person, but also some of the worst," she said. "Jake could [expletive] kill my whole family, I will always love him. I will always have a bond with him that I don't ever see myself having with anyone else."
Mongeau and Paul were first linked in May following Mongeau's split from actress Bella Thorne. The couple got engaged in June.
Mongeau has over 5 million subscribers on YouTube. Paul is the brother of fellow YouTube star Logan Paul and has over 19.7 million subscribers on the video sharing site.
