The 41-year-old actor and 35-year-old actress had a sarcastic response to an InTouch Weekly story about their supposed separation in a video on Kutcher's Instagram account Wednesday.
"I guess it's over," Kutcher captioned the post. "@intouchweekly have fun selling magazines this week. Maybe next week my wife will be having twins. For the third time. But who's counting."
The video shows Kutcher and Kunis sitting together in a car with the story pulled up on Kunis' phone. The couple smile as they go over the details of their "split."
"It's over between us!" Kunis says. "I felt suffocated."
"You felt suffocated by me?" Kutcher responds. "I'm was just so overbearing, wasn't I."
"Also... I took the kids," Kunis adds.
"Oh, you took the kids? I don't get the kids anymore?" Kutcher asks.
"You had a very dark secret," Kunis explains.
Kutcher and Kunis co-starred on That '70s Show from 1998 to 2006, and started dating in 2012. The couple married in July 2015 and are parents to two children, 4-year-old daughter Wyatt and 2-year-old son Dimitri.
"She loves the baby so much," he added. "It's like Of Mice and Men. She's like, 'I love you and hold you and squeeze you and name you George.' I'm afraid she's like Lenny, like, 'You're going to squeeze the baby's head off, honey!'"