GRAPEVINE, Texas, Aug. 1 -- Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story -- I know I've said it before, but sometimes filmmakers take me so literally it's scary.
I speak of "Mayhem Motel," a super-low-budget sleazefest from Connecticut that aspires to the great tradition of "Mountaintop Motel Massacre," "The Honeymoon Killers," "Blood Feast," and the long line of horrific motor-court brain-bashing cannibal classics beloved by frat boys everywhere.
My personal favorite is "Legend of the Bayou," in which Neville Brand runs a swampside motel where the guests are regularly fed to the alligators. But, of course, the flick that all others must be compared to is "Motel Hell," with motel keeper Rory Calhoun planting the bodies in his garden when he's not using them to make sausage.
Karl Kempter, a soundman-turned-director, has decided to take the motel theme and pretty much just throw unrelated scenes of perversion, gross-out dialogue and death into one long night at a roadside motel known for having the cheapest hookers in town. These may be the most obnoxious, disgusting people ever to be seen in one place at one time, and since Kempter says his two main influences are John Waters and "Gummo," we don't have to wonder why they start killing one another.
Most of the movie can't be described here, but to give you some idea of just how far Kempter will go, there's an extended sequence featuring white-faced mimes having sex. I'm sorry, but that's just sick. There's also a priest wandering through the movie for no apparent reason, a scar-faced hot-tubbing pimp who speaks through a bullhorn at all times, and a mean-spirited geisha who sabotages both the tea service and, even more horrible, her pedicures.
In other words, my kinda movie.
Eight dead bodies. One dead blow-up party doll. Butcher-knife stabbing. One tattooed nekkid man, doing . . . well, we won't go into it. One guy sexed to death. Gunshot to the head. Mime aardvarking. Spanking montage. Gratuitous human organs. Gratuitous pedicure. Gratutious homicidal midget. Clothespin Fu. Take-out spaghetti Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Sara Berkowitz as a Marilyn Monroe lookalike who refuses to sing "Happy Birthday" and pays the price. Matthew Biancaniello, multi-talented as a gross john with a tracheotomy, a kinky businessman, a bizarre painter, a mime, a pimp, and "Spanky"; and Kempter, for playing the oversexed used car salesman, writing, directing, and doing things the drive-in way.
One and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
To check out Joe Bob's voluminous guide to all the B movies ever made, go to joebob-briggs.com or e-mail him at JoeBob@upi.commailto:JoeBob@upi.com. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.