NEW YORK, Mar. 7 -- They make fun of us in South America because they say all our movies have wild sex in 'em and theirs don't -- because they're too busy actually HAVING wild sex. And there's gotta be some truth to it, ya know?
We've got actors in some of these movies who don't look like they've ever had sex, but then --whammo! But it's this MOVIE sex they're having, the kind that never ever happens in real life.
If girls did this in real life -- a lot of guys would go, "Uh, helloooo! Wake uuuuuuuup!"
And the guys in the movies are always these "Gee whiz, I don't know if I could actually do that, Miss 44 double-D, I'm just a simple moron" guys. You never find a guy in the movies who wants to just jump in there -- and if you DO find a guy like that, he's a sleaze ball woman-hater.
Anyway, let's get started. "Platinum Blonde" is this week's movie -- not to be confused with the 1931 Frank Capra flick starring Jean Harlow.
We're talking one of those movies that is nothing but one sex scene after another.
This one stars Holly Sampson, a blonde cutie best known for "Gia," and she's in a big pink bed in heaven playing ... well, it's not clear what she is. I think she says she's an angel, and I think she also said she's Cupid, but I think Cupid is a guy, but she functions pretty much like Samantha in "Bewitched," meddling in people's lives, trying to get people together who would really love each other if they would just get past their anxieties, rip their clothes off, and twist real slow against the sheets while the camera goes into slow-mo.
Shauna O'Brien, best known for "The Big Turn On," is a B-movie actress living with her director but she's really destined to make the sign of the triple-finned tuna with the film editor.
Mia, best known for marrying Frank Sinatra and then Woody -- whoops! wrong Mia! -- plays a bride who's really in love with the groom's brother but can't be sure how much of a cheater her fiance is so she sleeps with both of them until she can make up her mind.
And finally, Shannon Leigh and her two enormous talents play the mousy secretary who has to learn how to loosen up.
In other words -- yes, you've guessed it already--the dreaded Anthology Movie, held together by a few crazy scenes.
No plot to get in the way of the story. Thirty-two breasts. Nekkid-writhing. Lesbo shower scene while wearing expensive lingerie. Sudsy bathtub Latherama. Gratuitous sex-toy commercial.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Holly Sampson, as the cherubic Angela in a baby-doll chemise, for saying "I like to get down and dirty, if you know what I mean"; Shauna O'Brien, for pouring blood-red oil all over her body and lathering up; Susan Hale, as the tramp with jewelry under her blouse; Mia, for surviving the dreaded purple-lingerie scene; and Shannon Leigh (or is it Leigh Shannon.
One and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
To check out Joe Bob's voluminous guide to all the B movies ever made, go to www.joebob-briggs.comhttp://www.joebob-briggs.comor email him at JoeBob@upi.commailto:JoeBob@upi.com. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221.