Assignment America: In Defense of Hon

NEW YORK, Oct. 14 (UPI) -- I haven't been able to find a strict academic etymology for the word "hon," which obviously derives from "honey," which in my home state of Texas derives in turn from "honeychild," but I would place it in the linguistic group, which should henceforth be known as Saccharinity Personal Pronouns.

This has become a matter of some urgency, ever since Maryland State Trooper Kelly Austin allegedly went into a rage during a routine traffic stop when a civilian addressed her as "hon." The offending endearment resulted in the arrest of Frank J. Iula Jr., a computer systems analyst, although Trooper Austin claims that the "hon" was not the sole reason for his arrest. He also refused to return to his car, she says, which would apparently be a violation of an obscure Maryland statute forbidding motorists from stopping for a smoke or choosing to walk.

At any rate, the "hon" wars have begun in Baltimore, with editorialists, talk-show hosts, cafe proprietors and friends of B-movie king John Waters all weighing in on one side or the other. (Waters is, of course, an inveterate and unreformed "hon"-user.)

As a person who's used "hon" since about the age of 14 -- it's impossible to use it before that age, because children are assaulted with so many "hons" that they don't realize the word is available beyond their narrow sphere of self-reference -- I think it's necessary to look at "hon" in its larger linguistic context, as the most popular, yet hardly the only, social pronoun used to soften the environment of daily exchange.

For example, in Texas we use Sweetie, Sugar, Sugar Pie, Honeybun, Cupcake, Baby, Cookie, Sweetums, Sweet Thing, Sweetness, Sweetmeat (for males only), Peanut, Sweet Patootie, Tootsie and Tootsie-Wootsie, which, of course, brings up the infinite variations available when the speaker wants to further diminutize the endearment in a purely private way -- hence, Honey Bunny, which would definitely be considered beyond the bounds of propriety if addressed to a state trooper of either sex.

Now. You will notice that this virtual pantry of affectionate terminology is taken almost exclusively from the world of the sous-chef. These are trans-sensory metaphors evoking the thrill of universally delightful tastes. To use them as a form of address means the targeted person is not just digestible or savory, but an absolute confection.

It might be objected, I suppose, that a person could be offended by being regarded as a mere dessert course, and that metaphors taken from a groaning board of roast turkey and the heartier vegetable groups would be more appropriate for social exchanges between strangers. But let's wander just a few steps down that road and witness what chaos might result. If the trooper had been called Scrumptious, Succulent, Juicy, Pungent, Flavorsome, Gustable or, to use a Texanism, Finger-lickin' Good, I think you can imagine what criminal statutes would be brought to bear.

But if we expand the context of the three H's--Hon, Honey and Honeychild -- I think it will become obvious that the use of gustatory synonyms as a form of address is a social stratagem intended to protect the southern atmosphere of Niceness.

There are certain cultures -- the American South, bourgeois London, upper-class Mexico -- in which the appearance of being Nice, which is to say inoffensive, friendly and brightly spirited, is valued so highly that it obviates all other virtues and defects. A man who has just killed someone in a barroom brawl may earn credence with the court if he demonstrates politeness in the manner in which he turns himself in. To use the reverse example, a person who is overbearing and arrogant -- even if he wants to donate millions of dollars to some worthy cause -- will have his good intentions canceled out by a refusal to exhibit Niceness.

I don't expect people in New England to understand this, but I do expect Marylanders, who are southern, to not only understand but celebrate it. (I've occasionally heard a Marylander deny his southern heritage, and although this is not the place to deal with this sort of self-hatred, I would like to point out that the very definition of The South is defined by the northern border of Maryland, the fabled Mason-Dixon Line itself.)

Nor do I expect Monica Lewinsky to understand it, as she was brought up in the benighted "dude" culture of Southern California. We know from one of Miss Lewinsky's e-mails, ferreted out by Kenneth Starr's computer storm troopers, that she regarded President Clinton's use of "hon" as an Old Fart trait, and despised it. Had she been more experienced in the infinite nuances of "hon" colloquy, she might have attained the unity of shared passion she once dreamed of.

But back to the use of the three H's and their relation to the Culture of Niceness. The three H's are, in fact, the cement that holds the Culture of Niceness together. Every day millions of Hons, Honeys and Honeychilds are doled out by chirpy waitresses, shambling auto mechanics, and avuncular physicians as a way of saying, "I regard you as part of the community. You have the potential to be my friend. We are brothers and sisters."

Do you think I claim too much for "hon"? I think not. A "hon" is a way of drawing closer, affirming the family of man (and woman), and, in certain contexts, flirting without flirting. An apposite "hon" is a way of saying, "Besides everything else that has been said here today, you are proven to be Nice." There is no higher level of southern regard.

Not that "hon" can't occasionally be used in a defensive manner. "OK, hon, calm down." But even here, it's a soft call to civility, a refusal to engage in hostility. It's to say, "Return now with me to the quiet bosom of 'hon'dom where we began."

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of the Baltimore Hon War were the remarks of former Baltimore Mayor Kurt Schmoke, who said that "hon" is a way of diminutizing minorities. I don't know what alternate universe Kurt Schmoke lives in, but Hon, Honey and Honeychild have been a part of the black community of the American South for so long you can find them in slave narratives. I think it's more likely that white people picked up the usage from black people than vice versa.

At any rate, there has also been a feminist assault on the use of "hon," arguing that it somehow denigrates women. This would be more believable if the word were used exclusively in a female context, but in fact any southern male has been "hon"-ed so many times by brittle grandmothers that the claim of offense, if any were to be made, would result in the imprisonment of all the nursing-home residents of Mississippi.

I've learned over the years to use "hon" sparingly in the frequently uncivil jungles of New York -- in the same way you avoid slang when visiting a foreign country -- but I can't say I've given it up entirely. You'd be surprised what a well-placed "hon" can do in an Armenian deli when you're requesting a better slice of salami.

If challenged -- and it rarely happens -- I'm willing to apologize. After all, growing vituperative over rejection of my "hon" would defeat the purpose of "hon" in the first place. But I'm likely to do it as follows: "Okay, hon, I won't call you 'hon' anymore."

(John Bloom writes a number of columns for UPI and may be contacted at [email protected] or through his Web site at joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)