Commentary: Joe Bob's week in review

Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Billy Bob Thornton, causing a surge in tattoo-removal stocks.

A thousand garlic farmers demonstrated in the streets of Seoul against South Korea's new agreement to allow $9 million worth of garlic imports from China beginning next year. The farmers shouted slogans against President Kim Dae-jung, as police gave them a wide berth and offered breath mints.

A "Save Martha" rally for the embattled Martha Stewart was staged in front of CBS Studios, where Stewart would normally be giving out cooking tips on the "Early Show" except that the network has suspended the weekly segment until her insider-trading case cools down. Wearing "Save Martha!" cooking aprons and chef's hats, the Martha supporters hoped to get on camera during an outside broadcast, but it didn't work because ... only four people showed up. They did look festive and summery, however.

Yankee Stadium banned "Boston Sucks" T-shirts, disrupting a tradition of profane Red Sox hatred dating to 1918. What's the world coming to when you can't heckle millionaire athletes?

Especially when they suck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is talking to a political consultant about a possible run for the governorship of California. Has anyone shown Maria Shriver the real estate options in Sacramento? Obviously not.

Credit card companies scored a major victory in Congress when a committee agreed to make it much harder to claim bankruptcy. There were 1.45 million bankruptcy filings last year, most of them by people who seemed like such great risks when Mastercard, Visa, American Express and Discover gave them credit lines of $100,000 on income of $20,000 so they could buy more power tools at 29 percent interest. Instead of taking bankruptcy, they could have just made monthly payments for the rest of their lives, like any decent person.

Harvey Pitt, chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, wants to prove he can police the Wall Street corporations that he once represented in private practice, so he asked Congress to promote him to "Level 1" status -- on a par with Cabinet members -- at the very moment many members of Congress were asking him to resign, thereby proving he has the same level of awareness as most American chief executive officers.

Speaking of CEOS, the Rigas family had a bummer of a week, with dad John and his sons Timothy and Michael being waked up by postal inspectors at their New York apartment -- aren't they a little OLD to be living with Dad? -- and slapped into handcuffs on charges that they looted their own company, Adelphia Communications, for more than $1 billion. The wife and daughter of John Rigas were also sued by Adelphia itself, while another of John's sons, James Rigas, was sued by the SEC but didn't have to be cuffed. The Rigas family had told authorities that they would surrender voluntarily, but the offer was rejected because, at the SEC, Harvey Pitt needed to froth publicly.

Maj. Gen. Jean-Claude Duperval, found guilty of conspiracy to massacre and torture thousands in the port city of Raboteau, Haiti, in 1994, was fired from his job at Disney World in Orlando. It's a small world after all.

NASCAR champion Jeff Gordon says he shouldn't be required to pay alimony or support to his wife Brooke because he "risked his life" to acquire the couple's $50 million fortune, which includes a $9 million oceanfront mansion, boats, a Porsche, a Mercedes and a private jet. "It's not like he's a banker who goes to work from 9 to 5," said Gordon's lawyer, Donald Sasser. "He takes his life in his hands." Jeff Fisher, lawyer for the wife, says she's about to take something else into HER own hands.

The police department of Oceanside, California, plans to build an outdoor firing range next door to the Prince of Peace Abbey, where monks are sworn to a life of contemplative silence. Go ahead, make my prayer.

Marty Backus Jr., publisher of two small papers in Arkansas, was told by his bosses at Lancaster Newspapers, Inc., in Alabama that he would be fired if he didn't carry out all the directives in a two-page letter, including "attend church weekly," "have dinner as a family at least five times a week," and "go to bed with (your wife) every night without fail." He managed to keep his job for five years, but apparently he missed Sunday School or something, because last year they fired him after 21 years of service, questioning his religious faith and company loyalty. Backus is filing a federal lawsuit, which reads, "Uh, can they do

that?"

Victoria's Secret is going all the way to the Supreme Court against a little shop in Elizabethtown, Ky., called Victor's Little Secret. Victor and Cathy Moseley sell sex toys, adult videos and lingerie, but Victoria's Secret claims they're infringing a trademark, and the Supremes have agreed to hear the case. After all, Victoria's Secret wouldn't want people to hear their name and think about ... SEX.

Manuel Birrento of Samora Correia, Portugal, bought the world's biggest bouquet of red roses -- 518 of them, one for each day since he was dumped by his girlfriend -- and had them delivered to her. The Guinness Book of World Records confirmed it as the biggest bouquet ever sold by a florist in one order, but important tip for males everywhere: it didn't work.

Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany is suing the D.D.P. news agency for its allegations that he dyes his hair. D.D.P. had quoted an image consultant as saying "It would do Mr. Schroeder good to admit that he dyes his graying curls." But Schroeder intends to produce evidence from hairdressers in Berlin and his hometown of Hanover stating unequivocally that his hair remains its natural dark brown color. Obviously there are no wars going on in Germany right now.

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(Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas, 75221.)