"I am honored to be here hosting the ESPYs," Hamm began. "The world's largest gathering of people wearing sunglasses indoors."
The "Mad Men" star went on to reference many of the season's biggest sports scandals including Dwight Howard leaving the Lakers, Mati Te'O and his fake Internet girlfriend and Johnny Manziel's "sickness" while attending Manning camp.
"Johnny's been catching a little heat for his partying lately," the actor said of the Heisman Trophy winner. "But frankly if I met a guy whose name was 'Johnny Football' it would be weird if he wasn't holding a beer."
Hamm added that while had been a "lifelong sports fan" he still thought being an actor was better.
"Chris Bosh was recently fined $5,000 for flopping," he explained. "Meanwhile, recently, Johnny Depp just got paid $20 million for flopping."
The 42-year-old star also teased the player's looks and went on to say the Miami Heat had a great season thanks to their coach "Bruno Mars," that the NBA Finals featured "every single stage of male pattern baldness" and pointed out NBA's Ray Allen "was only 35 years old" when the first ESPYs aired 20 years ago.
You can watch Hamm's full monologue in the video below.
Swim Week Miami Beach 2014 [PHOTOS]