Did you hear? Stephen Colbert won the Powerball Jackpot!
Alright, that's not exactly how it went down. But Colbert began his Wednesday night show with a resignation.
"Let's get to our top story tonight," he said. "Television host Stephen Colbert has announced his resignation, effective immediately. Because folks, I am stinkin', filthy rich!"
"I know that lotto money is going to be mine, OK? Even though the drawing hasn't happened yet. Even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one."
Colbert is sure he'll win because he bought 175 million tickets and every one of them has the same numbers. (Good logic, Stephen!)
After several moments of celebration, Colbert imagines what he'll do with all that dough.
The winning numbers, by the way, were 5, 16, 22, 23, 29 and Powerball 6, and the two winning tickets were purchased in Arizona and Missouri.