DEERFIELD, Ill., June 20 (UPI) -- In what is undoubtedly the most American event of the day: Kraft Foods has recalled Velveeta from Walmart stores in a dozen states for not having enough preservatives.
Not having enough preservatives, besides being un-American, could lead the cheese bricks to "spoil prematurely and/or lead to food borne illness," Kraft said in a statement.
Readers with friends and relatives in the following states may consider mailing care packages of cheese or cheese substitutes to their loved ones: Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin.
This latest Cheesegate follows a string of cheese supply-line blockades.
Clearly a conspiracy to hoard vast amounts of "liquid gold" is afoot, but as the FDA found out when it recently went up against artisanal cheese enthusiasts, America will not be silent, will not stand idly by when its opiate-effect inducing, saturated fats are threatened.