Velveeta recalled from Walmart in twelve states for not having enough preservatives

DEERFIELD, Ill., June 20 (UPI) -- In what is undoubtedly the most American event of the day: Kraft Foods has recalled Velveeta from Walmart stores in a dozen states for not having enough preservatives.

Not having enough preservatives, besides being un-American, could lead the cheese bricks to "spoil prematurely and/or lead to food borne illness," Kraft said in a statement.

Only months after the country survived the last great cheese drought, the Velveeta Superbowl Shortage of 2014, America is once again staring down the barrel of what some are calling Cheesepocalypse.

Readers with friends and relatives in the following states may consider mailing care packages of cheese or cheese substitutes to their loved ones: Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin.

This latest Cheesegate follows a string of cheese supply-line blockades.

In April, Kraft recalled issued a recall of 96,000 pounds of hot dogs because they may have actually contained cheese dogs, and last month the company recalled several varieties of cottage cheese.

Clearly a conspiracy to hoard vast amounts of "liquid gold" is afoot, but as the FDA found out when it recently went up against artisanal cheese enthusiasts, America will not be silent, will not stand idly by when its opiate-effect inducing, saturated fats are threatened.