WASHINGTON, Feb. 9 (UPI) -- Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year, will soon be upon us. For some it will be a time of shopping, celebration, and commitment to the one they love. For the many others who aren't coupled: be they never wed, exes, seconds or just plain left out, it can be a day of dread when she or he wants nothing more than to hide his or her head under the covers to emerge only after all the hearts and flowers are gone and dead.
Thirty plus years of dealing with broken hearts, illicit affairs, abuse, miscommunication, sex, money and children issues have taught me much. It is rare when someone in my practice remains single, if they don't choose to be. Whether you are gay or straight, rich or poor, atheist or true believer, some basic relationship rules apply.
If this year happens to be one where you are minus a beloved and, therefore, you can't wait for Feb. 14 to become a distant memory, I have some practical advice for you.
Dating is like shopping. Sometimes you stumble into the perfect store and select or are selected for exactly the perfect item. And, sometimes nothing seems to fit. Start by going to likely places that may have the right merchandise for you.
If you love art and hate boxing, spend several Sunday's wandering through your favorite museum. Many art galleries have a once a month single's night where the free wine and art on the walls become a wonderful inducement to look at the art around you and see if anyone appeals to your aesthetic sense.
If you are a skier, ski; a hiker or biker, hike or bike. If you like loud music and "wanna dance," go with the flow and let it all hang out. If vacations and cruises are your thing, go where your passion leads you.
Whatever you do, it is rare that your soul mate will stumble upon you if you are sitting home in your bathrobe eating take-out Chinese food while watching TV. You must make the effort to get out and about. Remember, the others around you who are also in the oft dreaded "meat market" are probably just as uncomfortable as you.
Contrary to many books on the subject, game playing is a bore. Be honest about yourself. Sometimes you may find a bargain where you least expect to. So, keep your eyes open and your smile wide.
One word of caution, be careful surfing the net. One of the great appeals of chat rooms is that people have permission to pretend to be what they want. I am told it is true that author Tom Clancy left his old wife for a new model he met in a chat room. But, for every successful e-mail engagement, there are multiple false promises and broken hearts.
Whatever way you do meet someone new, it is nice to have a special favorite local place where you are "a regular" and feel safe. Meet for lunch, teatime for a beverage and light snack or meet for an early appetizer. A long dinner is too much to tolerate with a bore. Don't be afraid to tell everyone you know that you are interested in meeting someone. Most people delight in helping love make the world go round.
Another way of looking at dating is that it is akin to going through the apple barrel. Toss out the rotten ones right away and take a second look at the rest.
Whatever you feel, false pride is pretty useless. Many people try to hide their loneliness. In my experience, most people are ready willing and able to make relationship concessions when they acknowledge feeling lonely. On the other hand, don't let loneliness drive you to desperation. You are worth getting what you want. Wait and don't settle for meager pickings just because your bed seems cold at night.
All potential princes and princesses possess warts. While some imperfections are readily apparent, others grow on you and take time to know. Since no person is perfect, including you, choose someone whose flaws and foibles are tolerable.
Think about your past relationships and what made or did not make them successful. What did you do to make them work or not? Did you tend to be attracted to the same wrong type? Did you reach a certain point in a relationship only to have it fizzle?
If there seems to be a negative pattern, try seeking help from a third party such as a therapist or mental health counselor. You are similar to a car --- you can change the oil now for $19.95, or change the engine later for $5000.00. Early maintenance investment may save you a financial and emotional run on the bank.
There will be times in any long-term relationship that you won't be able to remember a single good thing about the person you have chosen. Make sure your date's delightful quirks won't become your mate's intolerable eccentricities. Think seriously about what is most important to you. Decide how much intimacy and connection you can stand. Can you tolerate commitment? Do you want a family? Is sex crucial or is it quiet conversation that turns you on?
When you are all finished with your check-list, remember, there are unexpected and unexplained pheromones (hormones) that may kick in. Is it love or lust? While there really can be better living through chemistry, whom will you want to wake up with in the morning --- possibly, for the rest of your life?
There is an adage that goes: "women have sex in order to talk; men talk in order to have sex." While general statements like these are only rules of thumb, they have become common because more often than not, they tend to be true.
There is also a saying that women have 10,000 words a day and men 2,000. Which means: that by the time a man has used up his verbal quota a woman is ready to get going.
Understand the differences between you and your date. Generally, if you have gotten through a first date successfully, it takes three or four dates to determine if it is worth continuing to go out. Longer term relationships tend to last approximately two years before one or the other wants to get in or out.
No one should enter a relationship with the intention of changing a partner. It's OK to consider whether they may be open enough to be "educable enough" to learn a few tricks that you may teach them -- and they you. Shop wisely and well. Returns can be costlier than one ever dreamed.
If your date rates, hang around and give the relationship time and your best shot. Few of us put as much effort into our romances as we do our business lives, our children, or our workout at the gym. Shop wisely and well. Shake the stars from your eyes and don't be afraid to date until you find your mate.
HAVE A HOPEFUL VALENTINE'S DAY!
(Dorree Lynn is a Washington-area therapist who counts among her clients many of the powerful and famous.)
