You know those ambitious bank robbers who declare with deep sincerity they just want to make one final robbery, so they can retire in style?
These guys need to swoop in and make one last, huge score so they can quit the life of crime and move to South Weedpatch, Mo., to open up a string of bead shops, like they always promised dear old ma.
Well, that wasn't the case this past week when the world's cheapest thieves were out in force, vying for the record for the smallest hauls in bank robbing history.
Start with the man in Northern Cambria, Pa., who police accused of robbing a bank and making off with $1.
The Johnstown, Pa., Tribune-Democrat reported Jeffery McMullen, 50, was actually after $1, handing a teller a note to pass him $1.
Two tellers at the AmeriServ bank thought the note was a joke. A third handed the man a dollar and called police.
The note also asked that the FBI take him to federal prison in Loretto.
He was held in lieu of $50,000 and ordered to submit to a mental exam.
But he didn't break the record for the week on cheapest thefts.
A man described as an impatient thief in Miramar, Fla., left empty-handed, WSVN-TV reported this week.
This is a thief who would have been dressed appropriately if he had been robbing people at a Grateful Dead concert, as he happened to be wearing a tie-dyed shirt when he handed the teller a note, The Miami Herald reported.
He left without a penny, but police were waiting outside the door and took him into custody, the newspaper said.
It was also a week in which sex crimes were pretty tame, starting with the governor of Florida, who broke the rule of "don't try this while holding public office."
WUSF-TV in Tampa said Gov. Rick Scott advised Floridians during a Cabinet meeting to call the Department of Health to clear up concerns about the state's meningitis outbreak.
Then the governor gave out the phone number of an adult chat hotline.
Don't try this in Holland, Mich.: Cooking a squirrel with a propane torch.
If you must cook a squirrel, at least use the toaster oven. Everyone knows that.
But Mlive.com reported the fire department laid the blame for an apartment complex fire on a resident who was trying to burn the fur off a dead squirrel, which he intended to cook for dinner.
Instead, the ensuing fire cooked eight apartments and damaged 32 others to the point where they were no longer habitable.
And then some weeks turn into veritable gross-out contests.
Squirrel for dinner -- small potatoes, so to speak.
Don't try this at your neighborhood drug store: A man in Jackson, Fla., is accused of returning ready-to-use enema kits to a CVS drug store.
The problem was they were not only ready-to-use; they were used, the Orlando Sentinel reported.
Allegedly, Ronald Robinson, 34, returned them to the store and said they had not been opened, the newspaper said.
He was arrested for tampering with consumer products, a prank that could result in 10 years in prison and a fine as high as $250,000, the newspaper said.