Don't try this: Parking -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink -- in New York City.
Once upon a time there was a New York City street sign that said, "Don't even think of parking here."
That said, what sign will they come up with for this complaint?
People living along West 30th Street between Seventh and Eighth avenues in Manhattan are complaining that patrons of two local clubs are having sex in their cars while parked on their street, the New York Post reported.
The clubs' neighbors also are complaining that the promiscuous parked patrons are involved in drugs, occasional violence and inadvertently honking car horns passionately.
Maybe the sign should read, "Don't even think of doing what it is you're thinking about doing right now." New Yorkers might not even need a translation for that.
Don't drive drunk. In Olofstrom, Sweden, literally, don't drive a brewery truck while drunk -- that is to say a stolen brewery truck while drunk.
Everyone knows irony is banned in Sweden. Fittingly, perhaps, the truck was full of empty bottles and the drunken brewery truck driver left a trail of broken glass behind him, The Local reported.
The truck's real driver was loading the back of the truck, when it suddenly pulled away -- the driver jumping from the vehicle as it did, the newspaper said.
Of course, don't trust just any old auditor who walks through the door.
Police in Orlando, Fla., said a man walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and convinced employees he had been sent from corporate headquarters to audit the place.
It turns out, he was not sent from headquarters. Instead, while the employees were in another room, he grabbed the money from the cash register draw the employees had handed to him and attempted to flee.
He didn't get very far, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.
Witnesses to the theft detained the suspect about 200 yards from the shop until the police arrived, the newspaper said.
Two more from the California Department of Irony: Don't try removing that bullet from your head.
A California man, The Modesto Bee reported, died at age 103 after living for 94 years with a bullet in his head that doctors feared was too risky to remove.
In Palm Desert, Calif., this week -- in the state, it should be noted, where same sex marriages were canceled by a state referendum -- more than 100 people attended the wedding of two dogs, the Desert Sun reported.
The couple were turned out in style. Bride Scruffy wore a custom couture dress, leash and veil made by Jan Farber, and groom Snickers sported a tuxedo designed by Spoiled Dog Design.
The reception after the nuptials was a spare-no-expense affair that included an open bar, cake, dancing, bowls of fresh water and, presumably some behind the scenes tension about the size of the party and who made it onto the guest list.
"The whole thing just took on a life of its own and kept growing and growing," said Ernie Rubin, who is related by adoption to the groom.
The party, the newspaper said, was a fundraiser for Orphan Pet Oasis Humane Society of the Desert in North Palm Springs, Calif.