It was a week of depravity and desperation, men and women driven by turmoil, anguish, thirst and a certain blind stupidity, but we're not naming names.
Here's something to cross off your to-do list, especially if you have a particular habit of drawing attention to yourself: amateur botany.
This story of sheer depravity took place in Daytona Beach, Fla.
In the town that made spring break famous, police said a 15-year-old was arrested for stealing a tomato plant he thought was a marijuana plant.
The teen gave away his intentions by yelling, "See, I have one of your pot plants," after reaching through an open kitchen window to grab a plant belonging to Angela Cartwright of Holly Hill.
"I chased him and I yelled out, 'You stupid little brat, it's a tomato plant!" Cartwright said.
More D&D (depravity and desperation): Two inebriated women driven by thirst were arrested in St. James City, Fla., this week after attempting to raise money the good, old fashioned way: exposing their breasts.
Trying to raise funds to buy beer, Alicia Martin, 28, and Kathryn Rayannic, 23, approached male patrons at The Waterfront restaurant and offered a peek at their boobs for cash. And how desperate is this -- none of the patrons took them up on their offer, WBBH-TV, Fort Myers, reported.
"We had five guys that were like, 'Please, leave us alone.' They actually went up to tables [of men] who had their wives there," said water Shaun Bassett.
The women were escorted from the restaurant, but the incident ended with a shoving match in the parking lot that resulted in charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and disorderly conduct.
What does someone have to do for a little peace and quiet around here? In Fairfield, Conn., the Connecticut Post reported, a 71-year-old man is trying to evict his mother, who is 98, from the home she has lived in since 1953.
Peter Kantorowski said his mother, Mary Kantorowski, "would be better off living with people her own age."
An interesting Craigslist ad that will be: Seeking roommate for mom. Must be at least 98 years old.
The issue will be decided in court in March. A court-appointed lawyer said the son was just trying to evict his mom so he could sell the house, the newspaper said.
It doesn't get any more desperate than this: Police in St. Petersburg, Russia, said three armed robbers held up a sex shop and stole a cellphone, a tablet reader and a blowup sex doll.
But wait! There was one case this week of something far more depraved than that, a case of unspeakable desperation: A couple in Southport, N.C., who happened to meet at a local Walmart got married in the layaway section of the store this week.
WECT-TV, Wilmington, said the newlyweds, Wayne and Susan Brandenburg, were just seeking a different kind of wedding.
"I love him and I'm going to stay with him for a long, long time," the bride said.
Whether the couple got the warranty package was not reported.