Commentary: Joe Bob's week in review

Michael "Nicko" McBrain, the Iron Maiden drummer, arrived for a concert at New York's Jones Beach, became enraged when the parking attendant asked to see his VIP pass, then rammed the attendant with his Jaguar, according to police. He was arrested for assault. His demands to have young people arrested for not knowing who he is went unheeded.

Cheech and Chong are reuniting for their first film in 20 years, which is actually only two dope years.

Environmentalists want to install windmills on platforms in windy Nantucket Sound off Cape Cod, but they're being opposed by, among others, Robert Kennedy Jr. and Walter Cronkite, who claim they'll be ugly and a hazard to yacht navigation. Yes, there are people so rich that a windmill on the horizon disturbs their sense of tranquillity.

A parents group in Oberlin, Ohio, said they would fight to have a white teacher removed as the instructor in a black history class, claiming that only a black can teach such a class. We know this because of all those American teachers who taught Russian history at universities during the Cold War. They understood so little about the Soviet Union that their research had nothing to do with us, uh, wiping it out.

All coffee breaks in Orange County, N.Y., were canceled. Orange County Executive Edward Diana announced the edict to try to repair a $7.5 million budget deficit, reasoning that eliminating the two 15-minute breaks per day will increase the productivity of the 2,500 county employees. The good news is that most of them are still allowed to use the restroom.

The United States and Mexico seized THIRTEEN TONS (!) of cocaine while rounding up 240 people in the Ismael Zambada Garcia drug ring. Meanwhile, Zambada Garcia relaxed on his ranch in the state of Sinaloa, laid up with the sniffles.

A new Bulgarian vodka claims to eliminate hangovers before they happen by mixing C, B1 and B2 vitamins, honey, milk and other ingredients into the distilled spirits. It's called Shock, because any Bulgarian who wakes up coherent will be.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden says that, if his team wins the Super Bowl again this year, he'll dance down a highway in Tampa wearing only a jockstrap. Let's hope it's a lonely highway.

Frederick McDowell held up the Wells Fargo Bank in Fort Worth, Texas, by passing the teller a note written on the back of his resume, with predictable effects on his future job prospects.

Patre Eugene Williams, nearing the end of his trial on charges of selling cocaine which could result in a 30-year prison term, used a recess in the trial to flee the courthouse in Fort Myers, Fla. Circuit Judge James R. Thompson decided to finish the trial without him. The opposing attorneys made closing arguments, and 30 minutes later the jury returned -- with a not guilty verdict. It's unclear exactly what his status is now, but we think the technical term is "fugitive from injustice."

Twelve Cuban migrants turned a 1951 Chevy pickup into a boat and floated it to within 40 miles of the United States before they were pulled over by the Coast Guard for failure to indicate a left turn.

A University of Utah study found that using a cell phone impairs driving more than being drunk with a .08 percent alcohol level. Cell phone users suffered a 50 percent drop in the ability to process information. But the most remarkable aspect of the study revealed that drunk drivers using cell phones, smoking cigarettes, and playing a Nine Inch Nails CD were safer than elderly women wearing Easter hats.

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Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at joebob@upi.com or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.