Commentary: Joe Bob's week in review

Intelligence analysts believe that Saddam Hussein is alive

and hiding out somewhere in Iraq. The reason he's been able to

avoid the searches of Task Force 20 -- which includes the Army's

Delta Force, the Navy's counterterrorism squads, and the CIA -- is

that he found a place they'll never think to look: the weapons-

of-mass-destruction storage facility.

*

Taipei 101 will be the tallest skyscraper in the world when

it's completed in Taiwan's capital next year, beating out the

current leader by 165 feet, according to the Wall Street Journal.

(That would be the Petronas Towers in Malaysia.) Not to be

outdone, the World Financial Center in Shanghai will be even

taller than Taipei 101 when it's completed in 2007, but Hong Kong

and Seoul claim their towers -- still in the planning stages -- will

be even higher. Once the Japanese architects get financing for a

bulding called X-Seed 4000, the contest is likely to be over.

That building would rise two and a half miles, higher than Mount

Fuji. The elevator would require a condom.

*

Heidi Fleiss, the ex-con Hollywood madam, gets turned back

at the border every time she tries to go to Canada. On May 18 she

landed at the Vancouver airport to film an infomercial for a

"sexual enhancement cream," but was denied admission to the

country. Then on June 11 she headed for Toronto to sign her new

book, "Pandering," and appear on a celebrity talk show, but once

again immigration authorities told her she was not welcome in

Mooseland. What's really interesting about this is that

prostitution is legal in Canada; their only problem with Heidi,

according to an official who wished to remain anonymous, is that

"she's just groady."

*

Iyman Faris, an Ohio truck driver, was sentenced to 20 years

in prison for conspiring to destroy the Brooklyn Bridge by

cutting its suspension cables -- something that experts say is

virtually impossible. Before carrying out the attack, Osama Bin

Laden also intended to buy the bridge and take out a hefty

insurance policy on it.

*

Seven Iranians set themselves on fire in European capitals,

and the Paris police detained 100 people to prevent further

attempts by the Mujahedeen Khalq to light themselves up. The

group, whose goal is the overthrow of the Islamic government in

Iran, apparently misread a memo instructing them to ignite the

revolution.

*

Ticlopidine, a drug that costs $100 a month, is supposed to

prevent strokes in blacks, but researchers in Chicago released

results showing that it works just about as effectively as . . .

aspirin. Many people will continue to use it, however, as it has

a cooler name.

*

A panel advising the Food and Drug Administration gave

preliminary approval for the use of a growth-hormone drug called

Humatrope to be prescribed for short children who are going to

need a little help getting up to 5-foot-3 for men, 4-foot-11 for

women. This is going to be hell on carnivals.

*

The scandals at the New York Times now include dead people.

A Pulitzer Prize subcommitte has been appointed to determine

whether the 1932 prize awarded to Times correspondent Walter

Duranty should be revoked because of complaints that he ignored

the famine in the Ukraine. What if the prize is in his coffin

with him?

*

A new birth control pill called Seasonale limits the

menstrual cycle to four periods a year. Women take active pills

for 84 days, followed by seven days of placebo pills to trigger

menstruation. The only known side effect is that the 33-day PMS

period can include actual fire-breathing.

*

Dr. Robin Moore-Steele has patented grooved women's panties

called "Ruby LaRue" that stimulate sensitive sexual parts with

every movement of the pelvis. They're expected to make actual

males obsolete within six years.

*

The Tennessee legislature banned porn movies on video

players in cars. Two hands on the wheel at all times.

*

Cheeta, the last chimpanzee to star in a Tarzan movie,

celebrated his 71st birthday in Palm Springs, where he was

declared "oldest chimp in the world" by the Guinness Book of

World Records. Cheeta paints and plays the piano for Dan

Westfall, the caretaker who adopted him from Tony Gentry,

Cheeta's animal trainer, after Gentry's death. It should be noted

that anyone who can still paint OR play the piano in Palm Springs

is considered young.

*

Zyness O'Haver and Sallie Warren were married at the

Oklahoma City courthouse after living together for 77 years.

Three of their four grandchildren showed up at the ceremony at

which 95-year-old Zyness married a younger woman. (Sallie is 94.)

Relationship experts say that, in a case like this, with

extensive pre-marital sex, the marriage usually falls apart in a

matter of a few years.

*

Hookers in Spotsylvania, Va., give discount rates to

high school students, according to police who busted a massage

parlor. It explains all that missing lunch money.

*

Jose Rivera was cremated May 9, 1996, but his ashes were

discovered seven years later in the hair dye section of a KMart

in West Covina, Calif. The remains from his hair looked

great.

*

Paul Tay of Tulsa was arrested for riding his bicycle with a

giant inflatable penis on the back, throwing a bottle at the

windshield of a car that swerved toward him, and committing the

crime while wearing a bulletproof vest, which is a violation of

the body-armor law. What did they expect him to do, take a bullet

for his penis?

*

New Salem Missionary Baptist Church of Birmingham, Ala.,

fired its pastor, the Rev. Stanley B. Hall Sr., for calling a

mandatory service at kickoff time on Super Bowl Sunday. When

three deacons and three trustees failed to show up, they were

dimissed as deacons and trustees. Hall is now suing to get his

job back. If successful, he could take the pulpit again around

World Series time.

*

Five hundred students were evacuated from Herbert Elementary

School in Chicago after two mothers got into an argument in the

lobby and one of them used pepper spray, causing officials to

activate the school's fire alarm. Four children and four adults

were treated at the scene. Six others were taken to the hospital,

treated and released. Two others said "Mooooooommmmm! Why did you

dooooooooo that? So embarrrrrrrrrasssing!"

*

Dick Smothers Jr., son of the famous comedian, has become an

actor in porn movies and owner of an adult entertainment Web

site. Smothers explained that he has "an incredibly overactive

libido" and now wants to become "the Orson Welles of porn,"

eventually starring, writing, directing and doing the music for

X-rated projects. To which we say: the music? Porn music? Now

THAT'S a goal that can create some good in the world.

*

A 60-year-old man apparently took the words "petting barn"

way too seriously when he was arrested for bestiality at the

Canada Agriculture Museum in Ottawa after receiving oral sex from

one cow and one calf in the very public area. Where's PETA? Those

are some desperately deprived animals.

*

When the ARO Campulung car factory in Romania announced

layoffs, employees came up with an idea to save their jobs. One

hundred men offered to donate sperm and pay the money to the

company. The math didn't work out, though. Each of the workers

would have needed to donate sperm 400 times to raise enough

money, and the price of Viagra made that impractical. The factory

still has to pay $20 million in debts and fire 1,000 workers,

besides which their wives have been very grumpy lately.

*

Scenes from domestic life:

* Teenager Pablo Hernandez of San Jose, Calif.,

decapitated a dog, a bird and his mother, then called 911 to tell

police what he had done. He was sorry.

*

Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him

at joebob@upi.com or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com.

Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.