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Joe Bob's Drive-In: Serial Killer Bob

By JOE BOB BRIGGS, Drive-in Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
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What if you made a version of "Blair Witch Project" in which not just one character, but half the characters in the movie are carrying video cameras?

Go ahead and just rip out my eyeballs.

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I'm talking about "Serial Killer Bob," which starts out with Bob filming himself as he comes home from work one day and impersonates the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes guy so he can go inside, stop to pick up a butcher knife in the kitchen, and proceed to the bedroom where his wife has trouble explaining what she's doing with a husky shirtless guy. (It's never explained how he knows there's hanky panky going on.)

Anyway, Bob clobbers his loving wife, bundles her into the car trunk, and forces the home-wrecker to drive them into the woods, where he dispatches the cringing adulterers one at a time with aforesaid butcher knife, filming the whole thing so he can leave a little videotape present at the crime scene.

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"By the way," says the killer straight to camera after his vengeance is slaked, "my name's Bob. And now I'm a serial killer. I guess that makes me Serial Killer Bob."

Roll titles.

But we're only getting started. Bob is the first performance-art serial killer, and now that he's decided to make a career of senseless butchery, what better plot device than sending a caravan of Girl Scouts to camp out in those same woods? (Of course, one of the girls has her own camcorder.) Then there's the bitchy blonde TV reporter who shows up at the crime scene and tries to interview bumbling Deputy Barnes. Her whole LIFE is on video.

And finally we have the hillbilly Williams brothers, Matthew and Josh, who are recruited by the sarcastic fat sheriff to help find Bob in the vast woods of North Carolina, because they grow pot there so they HAVE to know where the secret trails are. It's kind of a "Dirty Dozen"-type subplot, in which the law enforcement guy recruits the scum of the earth because it's the only way to find Bob.

Anyhow, four very strange things about this flick:

1. Acid speedmetal music just suddenly bursts onto the soundtrack for no apparent reason, often drowning out the dialogue.

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2. When somebody dies, the blood is created ... by COMPUTER! There's this little computer blob that gets splotched onto the body, and when the body moves, the computer blob has to move along with it, like somebody trying to keep those breast-disguisers over a woman's torso.

3. Every character hates every other character.

4. The movie's official babe, a park ranger intern named Kelly, crosses her arms in every scene, like she's bored. Maybe she is. She's not exactly surrounded by scintillating

conversationalists.

You can pretty much predict what's gonna happen to all the supporting actors who go into the woods where Bob is hanging out, but the fact that the story is told through MULTIPLE videocam points of view just ended up giving me a headache. Especially since sometimes they just abandon the videocam thing entirely and shoot scenes straight.

It almost has a few nice moments -- especially the plot device of having all the law enforcement officers in the state attending the Annual Sheriffs Shootout in Orlando, thereby explaining why there are only two cops searching for the serial killer -- but the combination of amateur actors and that damn computer blood make it a tough haul. The best actress in the whole movie appears to be about 12 years old. I was still willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, but director/producer/writer James Napoli committed the ultimate sin: he had three scenes where gratuitous sex was possible, and not only did he not provide the sex, he didn't even have anybody get nekkid.

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I'm sorry, some things just can't be forgiven.

Seven dead bodies. No breasts. (Shame on you, James.) Multiple fake stabbing. (Please, people, let's invest in a

retractable plastic knife at least.) Bullet to the brain.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Darren Koons, as the park ranger who doesn't know his way around the park; Carlene Moore, as the delightfully foul-mouthed "news at 11" TV report; Jimmy Moore, as the gene-pool-deprived pot-consuming would-be reality-TV producer; Ashley Shore, as the bored intern; Lonnie Burchfield, as the earthy sheriff; Rachel Handy, as the Girl Scout who understands her fate; Melanie Duncan, as the scout leader, for her excellent hysterical screaming; and Tim Fox, in the title role, for saying, "I've got a long day ahead, and I've got a lot of killing to do."

One star. Joe Bob says check it out.

"Serial Killer Bob" Web site: serialkillerbob.com.


(To reach Joe Bob, go to joebobbriggs.com or email him at

[email protected]. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)

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