Commentary: Joe Bob's Week in Review

NEW YORK, Nov. 7 (UPI) -- Clinton wept. Lott leapt. Bush swept.

Faiz Mohammad, who claims to be 105 years old, was released from months of captivity at the Guantanamo military base in Cuba, saying, "I don't know why the Americans arrested me. I am just an old man." Mohammad said he wasn't angry, though, because he was presented with a new cotton sweatshirt and socks when he was sent back to his village of Dehrawad in Uruzgan Province, 400 miles southwest of Kabul. "They treated us well," he said. "We had enough food to eat. We could pray and wash with water five times a day. We had the Koran and read it all the time." And then, of course, there was that free trans-Atlantic airfare.

The Church of England published a report on itself predicting that it will wither away by the year 2030, acknowledging that the church is "prone to scandal and open to ridicule," and that it seems like "an outdated, discredited, dying institution that the country is walking away from without a backward glance." In some parts of England, as few as 0.7 percent of the population attends services, the report continued, and membership has been in decline since 1904. The good news is that Anglicans don't have enough altar boys to have sex scandals.

Nine members of a Romanian and Albanian kidnapping ring were arrested for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Posh, also known as Victoria Beckham. The thugs apparently planned to ambush her outside her house north of London and use chemical knockout spray to subdue her and both of her two young children. But they were foiled by ... The News of the World! Reporters had infiltrated the gang in order to teach it a lesson: never, ever, cut off tabloid access to a celebrity.

Eighteen-year-old Zena Mahlangu danced bare-breasted at the traditional "umhlanga" ceremony in Swaziland, during which King Mswati III picks out his future wives and concubines. Later Zena was picked up from her school by two female courtiers and taken to a royal lodge to be "prepared" as the king's 13th wife. Unfortunately for the king, his future mother-in-law turned out to be a leader in Swaziland's feminist movement and an executive at the postal and telecommunications company. The result: Mom went to the nation's highest court with charges that her daughter was kidnapped. Human rights organizations weighed in on the side of the mother, saying the king violated the U.N. Charter and that the nubile maidens were victims of "rape." Zena herself, however, sent word that she loved the king.

French President Jacques Chirac cancelled a high-level meeting with British Prime Minister Tony Blair after saying Blair had been rude to him. "I have never been spoken to like this before," said Chirac, after being corrected by Blair during a spirited dispute in the European Council, with Blair saying Chirac was "plain wrong" about an agricultural policy. If the leader of all the world's Frenchmen can claim that someone was rude, there's hope for Mike Tyson in international politics.

Hundreds of French prostitutes swarmed the streets of Paris, demonstrating in front of the Senate against Nicolas Sarkozy, the interior minister who is sponsoring a bill to crack down on them under a new crime called "passive soliciting." If the law passes, any woman who's dressed in such a way as to give the ordinary person the impression she's soliciting can be fined $3,800 or get six months in jail -- which could be hell on Calvin Klein models during Paris Fashion Week.

The U.S. Postal Service announced it's facing a critical shortage of "flat tubs," those white plastic containers with the convenient handles that make perfect storage boxes. Even though there's a warning label on every box reading "Maximum penalty for theft or misuse of postal property $1,000 fine and 3 years imprisonment," flat-tub thieves don't seem particularly impressed. Now that the Christmas rush season is fast approaching, there aren't enough containers to handle the mail. Here at Joe Bob's Week in Review, where we refuse to pay the $10,000 or serve the 30 years, we suggest a general amnesty.

Michael Jordan filed suit against a hairdresser/model/actress named Karla Knafel, claiming she had made a $5 million "extortion demand" on him, threatening to expose the details of their relationship more than 10 years ago. Knafel is famous from the 1991 classic erotic thriller "Bikini Island," in which she played the memorable role of "Auditioning Girl," but got her big break when Jordan paid her $250,000 the FIRST time she asked him for money. Apparently Jordan had grown tired of the concept and didn't want to see "Karla II."

The World Trade Center death toll went down again, to 2,795, after two more people were found alive -- Peter Montoulieu of Miami and Tina Spicer of New York. Peter just thought it would be cool to hear his name read out on TV on Sept. 11th, and Tina hangs out in goth clubs.

Selina Johnson and Orville Wilson became the latest of 48 defendants convicted in Chicago of smuggling liquid cocaine in baby-formula cans and renting babies from their parents so the scam would look realistic on airline routes out of Panama and Jamaica. The ring was discovered when police noticed several burping deaths on the Southside.

As Victoria College in Alexandria, Egypt, celebrated 100 years of educating the rich and famous of the Middle East -- including King Hussein of Jordan, academic lion Edward Said, Omar Sharif, George Antonius and arms czar Adnan Khashoggi -- the college received a call from Mohamed "Dodi" al-Fayed, asking when he should show up. Unfortunately for Dodi, the call was fielded by college secretary Armand Khahill, who in 1988 had publicly exposed as false al-Fayed's claim of being a Victoria alumnus. Apparently, though, the Egyptian entrepreneur has a whole chapter in his upcoming autobiography, detailing his glorious Victoria College days. Give him 14 more years and he'll be the valedictorian.

Scenes from our secure republic:

-- John Chwaszczewski, a construction worker in Williamsburg, Va., opened fire with an assault-style rifle on a helicopter landing in his neighborhood to pick up a businessman. "Maybe I overreacted, but I did feel this was terrorism at its utmost," Chwaszczewski said. It does make an odd kind of sense. Al Qaida, suffering from a manpower shortage, doesn't have the resources to attack the White House, but that COLONIAL capital ...

Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.