Commentary: Joe Bob's Week in Review

Iraq agreed to admit U.N. weapons inspectors to search for bombs, and the Bush administration said that if the inspectors find any bombs, that's why we have to attack them, and if they don't find any bombs, that's why we have to attack them.

Christopher Krohn, the mayor of Santa Cruz, Calif., stood in front of City Hall to supervise a massive marijuana giveaway, challenging the Drug Enforcement Administration to loosen its restrictions on dope for the sick. People were allowed to smoke the marijuana on the City Hall lawn, but when someone lit up a legal cigarette, he was banished to the sidewalk. Second-hand marijuana smoke, after all, is organic.

Scenes from our secure republic:

-- Elliot Gosko, a 14-year-old student from West Chester, Pa., was going through security at the airport in Aspen, Colo., after visiting his grandparents, when a screener ordered him to drink the contents of his Gatorade jug. He had filled the jug with water from a mountain stream as part of a biology project and was planning to culture the bacteria in the science lab at Henderson High School. As it turned out, he cultured the bacteria in his own stomach. By the time he changed planes in Minneapolis, he had an especially nasty case of Montezuma's Revenge, causing him to miss two days of school and be treated for exposure to the bacteria giardia. "They stopped a bioterrorist," said Gosko's father, who had paid Northwest Airlines $150 extra to carry his son as an unaccompanied minor. Gosko didn't have the presence of mind, however, to throw up directly on the screener.

Seven-year-old Rozlin Templeton of Branford, Conn., was departing Hartford Airport with her mom when a security screener singled her out for a an electronic-wand search, a search of her backpack, a full body search of her teddy bear, follow by a request that she unpack two Polly Pockets dolls that come in plastic cases full of accessories. Her mother, Kathryn Templeton, had the quote of the year. "If I'd only known this was going to happen," she told The Wall Street Journal, "I would have packed her Barbies instead.

Barbie is so much easier to strip search."

Susan Hambleton of Sunnyvale, Calif., was ordered by a screener at Chicago's O'Hare Airport to take a drink from the feeding bottle of her three-month-old son. Since the bottle contained her own milk, she protested, saying that it wasn't a pleasant taste to her. The screener insisted, so she unscrewed it and took a sip. The screener said, "That's not enough, you have to chug it." She did as instructed, resisting the impulse to burp loudly as she was waved on through.

Elizabeth McGarry of Oceanside, N.Y., obviously didn't hear what happened to Susan Hambleton, because she was forced to drink HER own breast milk by security guards at JFK Airport before she could board a plane to Florida. She's considering a lawsuit, but says she'll settle for making the screeners drink it themselves.

Colleen Carboy of Dallas obviously didn't hear what happened to Susan Hambleton OR Elizabeth McGarry, because when a screener at the Austin, Texas, airport asked her to drink from a bottle of breast milk, she absolutely refused. A fracas ensued, but a female security supervisor intervened and let her board without quaffing. It took two Texas women to get this thing settled.

An office building in Aliso Viejo, Calif., was evacuated after mail room workers at Fluor Daniel complained of feeling sick from the fumes of a fluid leaking from a mysterious package. The fire department rushed to the scene in hazardous materials gear and discovered ... a broken bottle of 80-proof vodka. Californians are, of course, allergic to all alcoholic beverages and were presumably hospitalized for shock.

A tourist from Shanghai, China, was detained at San Francisco Airport after batteries and wires were discovered in a pair of shoes in his carry-on luggage. The man demonstrated that the shoes were designed to keep his feet warm, that the wires and batteries were harmless, and that there were no explosives inside. The police, after learning of the shoes' true purpose, blew them up anyway. Don't try to use the old "cold feet" ruse on US.

Sigbhatullah Mojaddedi of Afghanistan and his wife Nadera were detained by screeners at Orlando airport, causing them to miss their flight to London. The screeners told authorities that Mojaddedi, who was dressed in traditional Afghan clothing, spoke of an Islamic liberation organization and said, "I know you're looking for a bomb," and "God will revenge this." Actually he said no such thing. None of the screeners spoke English as a first language, and they had just detained a respected former president of Afghanistan who was visiting Jacksonville for a wedding. Sure he was talking about frappucino, but it was the WAY he said it.

The FBI spent 13 months, using 10 full-time agents, to monitor 90 calls a day at a New Orleans brothel, both before and after Sept. 11. Obviously the war against terrorism takes many forms.

(Joe Bob Briggs writes several columns for UPI. Contact him at [email protected] or through his Web site, joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)