Joe Bob's America: Flying while fat

NEW YORK, Aug. 2 (UPI) -- There were some enormous people on CNN the other night talking about the Southwest Airlines policy that requires people the size of office buildings to buy two seats instead of one.

The basic argument that the Elephantine Enthusiasts were making is that the policy was humiliating because it calls attention to their prodigious girth and makes them feel like Great Whites in a guppy fishbowl.

Lemme point something out here: We already know you're fat. We noticed it right away. We didn't think "Wow, what a svelte Fruit-o'-the-Loom model that guy is, hope he's not anorexic. What! He's taking two seats instead of one? That guy must be FAT!"

In other words, it's a pre-existing condition. You're not fooling anybody with that Mexican shirt with the embroidered roses on your pockets. The hippie peasant circus-tent dress didn't work even for Mama Cass. Any issues you might have about buying 6-month supplies of Beanee Weenies at Sam's Wholesale aren't gonna be exacerbated by somebody saying, "Excuse me, but you'll need an extra ticket."

But in the interest of protecting the Tubby Traveler's feelings, we could actually avoid that whole scene where the ticket agent tells you you've been identified as a Crisco Critter. You know those steel-frame boxes they have at check-in that say "Your carry-on luggage must fit into this container"? Just set up a steel-frame Butt Chamber to measure your gluteus overflow, and make EVERYBODY sit in it. (Important technical point, though. You not only have to sit in the Butt Chamber, you have to be able to rise up out of it.)

Because what are we really talking about here? We're talking about two things. The first, and most important, is your BEE-HIND.

Southwest Airlines is an economy airline that has 19-inch seats. It's not THAT big a deal if you can't wedge your oleaginous haunches in there. We've got entire Eskimo tribes that wouldn't qualify.

But then we've got the second factor that bears on this societal dilemma. That would be your Abdominous Overflow Quotient. How many cantilevered folds of flesh actually hang OVER the fold-down arm rest? I would say one is too many, but hell, let's compromise and say anything under three Blubber Lumps is still OK provided you can fold your arms across your chest without the assistance of a block and tackle.

And that actually brings up another issue broached by the Flab-Flouncing Flaks on CNN. They said that the airline should go out of its way to see that any Water Buffaloes attempting to fly Southwest are given aisle seats.

I disagree. Aside from potential damage to the complimentary beverage cart, it's not very democratic to say that the Plumpmeister should be able to avoid the middle seat his entire life just by maintaining his 75,000-calorie diet. It actually makes more sense to forklift him in there, stick skinny people on either side of him, and let them LEAN a little bit whenever he needs to rearrange a few lintballs in his belly button. Otherwise our obesity poster child is gonna be constantly tilting leeward to avoid aisle traffic, thereby throwing the full burden of flab deflection onto one person who may or may not have the upper shoulder strength to erect defensive fortifications.

At any rate, don't they already charge you extra if your luggage weighs more than 50 pounds? Some of these Feedlot Fritattas are packing 400 avoirdupois on a 5-8 frame, so if you check that American Medical Association weight chart and amortize the overage against the original ticket price, some of the Paunch-Gut Pachyderms should actually be paying the equivalent price of 2.67 tickets, just to avoid crashes on takeoff. We don't want another Aaliyah situation.

The other point made by the Rotundity Lovers was that many of Southwest's flights aren't sold out -- although I would say that's a rarity -- and so the unsold seats should be doled out according to poundage. Southwest confirmed that they already do this, but they still have to make a judgment call at the ticket counter because a lot of flights sell out at the last minute. If you buy two seats and then the flight is not full, they refund the price of the second seat.

I think that's kinda sweet of em, don't you? FedEx doesn't give you a 10-pound weight credit if the plane to Memphis is only three-quarters full, and I don't see much difference here.

If you're packing a carry-on duffel bag -- otherwise known as your keister -- there's gonna be a surcharge. It's a DISCOUNT AIRLINE. The reason your ticket is cheap in the first place is that you're volunteering for sardine treatment. Either corsetize that lumbar region so your can fits the can, or order up a bigger can. But don't expect to be treated like Japanese gourmet sushi on a Starkist flight.

I'm surprised I have to explain these things.

--

(Joe Bob Briggs writes a number of columns for UPI and may be contacted at [email protected] or through his Web site at joebobbriggs.com. Snail mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.)