Joe Bob's Drive-In: Play-Mate of the Apes

John Bacchus, well known to readers of this column for his recent epic "Gladiator Eroticus comes back with his version of the ape flick.

His latest effort is "Play-Mate of the Apes," the lesbian answer to Tim Burton, in which three lusty lesbo-astronauts crash-land on a jungle planet inhabited by talking apes who think humans are inferior because they can't get funky on the dance floor.

Pretty soon the astro-bimbos are collecting every available leopard-skin bikini so they can prove to the ape military that they can indeed boogie, but meanwhile they keep sneaking off to the woods with various cave girls to canoodle like comatose weasels.

Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it with an extended outdoor party scene featuring rapping primates? I think not.

Misty Mundae, the slinky little brunette who stars in almost all of John Bacchus' flicks, stars as the lead lesbonaut, and she eventually leads the human revolt featuring frenzied scenes of bikini-clad kung-fu Amazons beaning hapless apes over the head with clubs, spears and strained dialogue.

In the meantime, as I mentioned, they DO sneak off into the woods. Frequently.

Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story.

Four dead bodies. Fifty-sex breasts. Multiple aardvarking.

Two cheesy video-special-effect crash landings. Fondling. Rubbing. Bone-bashing. Bimbo net capture. Two ape riots. Two orgies. Multiple blows to the simian groin.

Gratuitous lemonade stand. Gratuitous scarecrow. Gratuitous guy in a chicken suit. Kung Fu. Rap Fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Darian Caine, as the wild-eyed cavegirl, for having zero dialogue and speaking it well; Anoushka, a Slavic girl with enormous talents, as the Russian lesbonaut who can't resist being caged up and nekkid; Dan Schwab, as the gay Roddy McDowall ape in pink fur, for saying "How's my butt? It's not glowing like a baboon's, is it?"; Debbie Rochon, as the sensitive Kim Hunter ape in a blonde fright wig; Misty Mundae, as the fearless lesbian leader who strip-teases for the ape general to show him how smart she is, then shouts "This is a madhouse!"; Zachary W. Snygg, as the ape general in an Elvis jumpsuit who says "These humans can't rock!"; Sharon Engert, as the barbarian queen who shows up at the end of the movie because they've run out of bodies to put in sex scenes; John Link, as the Missing Link who descends in a glitter ball and sings "The Ape Man Disco Song" in a misguided effort to tie up the loose ends of the movie; and John Bacchus, the finest lesbian writer/director working today.

Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

"Play-Mate of the Apes" website: SeductionCinema.com.

(To reach Joe Bob, go to joebob-briggs.com or email him at JoeBob@upi.com. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221.)