Russell Crowe: A second consecutive Oscar.
Barbra Streisand: A plane ticket to Afghanistan.
Alec Baldwin: The seat next to Streisand.
Leonardo DiCaprio: A lifeboat for his career.
Wynona Ryder: A credit card.
Shrek: A lifetime supply of Beano.
Jennifer Cruz: A spelling change in her last name?
Madonna: A musical rhinestone navel pierce.
Phil Donahue: A seat beside Baldwin.
Sissy Spacek: An Oscar for "In The Bedroom."
Brad Pitt: A sober barber.
Oprah Winfrey: Gwyneth Paltrow's diet secrets.
Martha Stewart: A collapsed souffle, stunted petunias, burned roast, imperfect hairdo, messy house and a fifth of vodka.
Bob Hope: A better new year.
Katharine Hepburn: And many more.
Julia Roberts: A script worthy of her talents.
Drew Barrymore: A reversible wedding gown.
Al Gore: A clean shave.
Liza Minnelli: Good luck on her fourth marriage.
Ellen Degeneres: Host of this year's Oscar Awards.
Jennifer Lopez: A group photograph with Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Calista Flockhart, Cameron Diaz, Lisa Kudrow, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and other show biz skinny blondes identified by number.
Sean Connery: A list of the blondes with their phone numbers and addresses.
Marlon Brando: See Oprah.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Fewer films with her husband.
Michael Douglas: More films with wife Zeta-Jones.
Carmen Electra: A comeback -- from what?
Kate Couric: A bigger raise.
Sarah Jessica Parker: A new hairdresser for God's sake.
Tommy Hilfiger and Eddie Bauer: Stop orders forbidding plastering their names on everything from underwear to automobiles.
Sharon Stone: An open charge account with Victoria's Secret.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: An affair with a vampire.
John Travolta: No more films with religious associations.
Bruce Willis: A fright wig.
Sinead O'Connor: The same.
Jody Foster: A worthy script.
Whoopi Goldberg: A name change for One Ho Productions.
Monica Lewinsky: A likeness of Bill Clinton tattooed on her buns.
Woody Allen: Another "Manhattan" or even a martini.
Rudy Guiliani: A star on everyone's Walk of Fame.
Hilary Swank: A mainstream picture.
Hillary Clinton: Swank's swank.
Sean Penn: A year at Yasser Arafat's charm school.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: A bout against the winner of the Will Smith-Stallone punch-out.
Renee Zellweger: If Arnold ever gets divorced, a marriage to him would make her Renee Zellweger Schwarzenegger; put that on a theater marquee why don'tcha!
Goldie Hawn: A comeback in a hit movie.
Elizabeth Taylor: An offer from the World Wrestling Federation and a date with Minnesota's governor.
Kelsey Grammer: A guest shot on Ted Danson's show, or just a shot.
Steven Spielberg: A halt to future "Jurassic Park" sequels.
Ditto for "Shrek."
Judy Dench: A name change to Garland or any other moniker.
Judge Judy: Disbarment.
Moon Unit Zappa: A biography of Sun Yat-sen.
"Lord of the Rings": The Oscar for best picture of 2001.
Osama bin Ladin: A shroud.